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Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Ravens

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What does the Great Beyond portend?

NFL: Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the ketchup on your fries, the cream filling of your Twinkie, the whiskey in your Old Fashioned, and the man who is hotter than a car ignition in Arizona, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today vindicated, after predicting a Raider loss in Denver. As usual, when the Great Raiderdamus predicts a defeat, you do not believe. I’m not sure what I have to do to earn your trust, but perhaps in time it will come.

The Raiders face a huge challenge this week- not because their opponent is particularly good, but because Derek Carr is hurt. We all know things don’t generally go well for Oakland when that’s the case.

To this end, I have once again entreated the omniscient Great Beyond to give us an unbiased and totally accurate view of the future. and the message I received is as follows:

“You’re back again for more. I know you’re bummed about Denver, but you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Anyway, who you got this week? The Ravens? Well we’d better hurry, because at midnight this message may flower into an Indianapolis article.

I’ll apologize in advance now, because what I have to say today will be so harsh and unnecessary that I’m certain the Baltimore Police Department will approach me with a job offer. After this message is done, Baltimore fans will have to put their feelings on injured reserve.

Thus far, Baltimore has put half their team on the injured list. This is more bad luck than anything they did, but the Ravens are now a bigger dumpster fire than that one Ray Lewis threw his bloody suit into after he killed those two guys.

Chinese restaurants in Baltimore don’t have stairs. Ravens fans prefer to enjoy their Rice in an elevator.

Say what you will about Ravens fans and their propensity for violence, but they certainly know how to open up a spirited debate:

If Hillary Clinton had run on a platform of “Run the dang football,” she might have won the election. In any case, “Is Joe Flacco Elite?” would be a far better Presidential debate question than anything about foreign policy or immigration. Skip Bayless could have moderated. Ratings would have been through the roof.

The fact of the matter is, Joe Flacco is a charlatan, a rube, a swindler who conned the Ravens out of $120 million after one great postseason and a whole lot of nothing else. Joe Flacco has never made the Pro Bowl. The last time the Ravens had a Pro Bowl quarterback was Vinny Testaverde in 1996. At that time, the Browns did not exist, John Elway had yet to win a Super Bowl and the Gin Blossoms had new songs on the radio.

Joe Flacco will never make the Pro Bowl, because he is a fraud. “The Wire” is more accurate than Flacco. Joe Flacco is a bigger one-hit wonder than Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Tiger Woods sustains drives better than Joe Flacco. Joe Flacco thinks he’s hip, but he doesn’t play tight end.

Joe Flacco doesn’t have any kids with his wife because he always goes deep, but he never completes it. The only question people ask more than “is Joe Flacco Elite” is “What is the status of his relationship with Ernie on Sesame Street?” Here we can see Flacco and Ernie, discussing the results of the latest Steelers game.

On Sunday, Mario Edwards and Khalil Mack are going to demolish the Ravens’ triage unit of an offensive line, and the headlines will read:

WACKO FLACCO ON HIS BACKO

For all the things the Baltimore Ravens get wrong, there is one thing they get right: Those all-black alternative uniforms. These things are slick as hell and absolutely gorgeous.

These uniforms are the only things that are both black and widely respected in the city of Baltimore.

The Ravens used to be a really solid team, but their drafting and personnel moves have really taken a hit and their front office isn’t what it once was. Coach John Harbaugh and GM Ozzie Newsome continually promise the fans a turnaround that they never get. They haven’t made the playoffs in two years. If the fans put up with any more punishment like this, Ray Rice will marry them.

If I were a young lady looking for a nice guy to treat me right, I wouldn’t go for a Ravens fan. The Ravens can only go left:

With all that being said, the Raiders without Derek Carr are in the bottom third of the league. He means that much to the franchise. The defense will have to step up against Flacco and the Ravens, and I don’t think it will be quite enough, even at home. Quoth the Ravens’ ACLs, nevermore.

Ravens win, 29-16.”