clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Patriots

New, comments

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, the dude who abides, the one who knocks, the voice of the voiceless and the best in the world, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today fresh off a bye week, wherein the Great Raiderdamus was able to recharge his batteries and look at the Raiders with fresh eyes.

One who will also be well-rested is the Great Beyond, and in accordance with tradition I have summoned him, and yet again serve as his oracle:

“You’re back! Well that was a wonderful week off, and I’m sure the Raiders are ready to get back to the grind and start marching toward the playoffs. Who do they got this week?

Oh, no.

Your readers can read this Foretelling if they want to, but they should know Bill Belichick already has a copy of it.

Sometimes in the world of college football, you’ll have some cute little team like Wisconsin or Mississippi State rack up a few wins against the Northwesterns, Arkansases and Kentuckies of the world. Maybe they climb their way up to #10 or so, and their fans start getting hype, and they start to build confidence.

And then they play a real fucking team of monsters like Alabama or Ohio State, and the harsh reality of their true identity as second-class citizens falls upon them like a ton of bricks as the elite team curb stomps them.

That’s what it’s like in the NFL, to play the Patriots, who are the Alabama of pro football. Neither team has been called for offensive holding in the last ten years, and each one has a stoic, humorless coach who preaches The Process. (In reality, Saban and Belichick are both hilarious, but merely project their dour image to the press to avoid stupid questions.)

And now it’s time to laugh at the Browns. Look at this shit here.

That’s Nick Saban and Bill Belichick on the same sideline at the same time. You see folks, from 1991 to 1994 Bill Belichick was the head coach of the Cleveland Browns, and Nick Saban was his defensive coordinator. The 1994 Browns had on their staff Belichick, Saban, current Iowa head man Kirk Ferentz, and Michael Lombardi in the front office. They didn’t win shit. And that’s how we know the Browns will never win shit, because if they didn’t win shit in 1994, they never will.

The last time the Browns won a playoff game was in that 1994 season, where they won an AFC Wild Card playoff game, against... the New England Patriots.

Belichick would later move on to coach the Jets for, like, a day. He wanted full control of the Jets’ personnel decisions, but the Jets decided to trip over their own dicks and hire Bill Parcells as a sort of general manager emeritus. Belichick had had his fill of living in Parcells’ shadow and told the Jets to fuck off. He had so little regard for the Jets ownership that he wrote his resignation letter on a napkin.

He resigned from the Jets and went to coach the Patriots, who were so shitty during that era that Parcells had abandoned them to coach... the Jets.

Belichick was initially pretty okay as the Patriots’ coach. But then he did what Bob Ross would call a happy accident.

In 2000, he drafted the backup quarterback from Michigan, some little dweeb who couldn’t even beat out Brian Griese or Drew Henson for playing time.

Belichick had a problem though, and that problem was Drew Bledsoe. While a first overall pick, Bledsoe wasn’t good enough to keep up with the Peyton Mannings of the world, and wasn’t going to lead the Patriots any farther than he had in 1995, when he lost to Brett Favre’s Packers in the Super Bowl.

Ever the forward thinker, Belichick hired the Jets’ Mo Lucas to knock the shit out of Bledsoe, and Brady took over, leading the Patriots to a Super Bowl win at the expense of the Raiders, who were the recipient of one of the most egregiously bad calls ever, known now as the “Tuck Rule”. Of all the calls that have gone against the Raiders in their storied history of getting fucked by the man, this was the worst.

The Patriots would become a dynasty after that, winning two more Super Bowls until they ran into their personal Kryptonite, this man:

When one considers what a total goober Peyton Manning is, you have to be a special kind of awkward to be considered the dorky Manning brother. But, Tom Brady has a losing record against BOTH Manning brothers, and is 1-5 in championship games against the two. In fact, if the Patriots lose one more Super Bowl to the Giants, Jason Pierre-Paul will have enough Super Bowl rings for a whole hand.

The most egregious wrong the Patriots have ever wrought is that they will be the reason Eli Manning will make the NFL Hall of Fame.

Patriots fans are fiercely loyal to the team and to their quarterback. They believe Deflategate was the worst witch hunt in the history of New England.

One of the many innovations the Patriots brought into the league, besides bugging opponents’ locker rooms and filming their practices and deflating footballs, was the popularization of the two tight end set. They did this by employing two terrific tight ends, Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski.

Hernandez was a habitual drug user and had played football since his youth, and it was recently discovered that he had extremely advanced CTE. Hernandez’s history of violent and aberrant behavior ended in his arrest for murder. While a hardened criminal was off the streets, the Pats were without a weapon on offense, as Hernandez had really left them hanging.

Gronkowski has surely had the better career, and he is currently at 73 career touchdowns. He has two more touchdowns than he has IQ points.

Here Gronkowski is seen with a young lass who is the most beautiful woman in Boston, which means that she is not from there.

Prior to the beginning of the season, Gronk was involved in a few WWE events, assisting his good friend Mojo Rawley in fighting the dastardly Jinder Mahal. Gronk even was involved in a dustup with Mahal at Wrestlemania.

IMAGE DISTRIBUTED FOR WWE - New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski delivers a body tackle to WWE Superstar Jinder Mahal during a match at WrestleMania 33 on Sunday, April 2, 2017, in Orlando, Fla. (Phelan M. Ebenhack/AP Images for WWE) FR121174 AP

Mahal got a huge rub from this, so if you want to know who is responsible for the forgettable WWE Title reign of the Modern Day Maharajah, look no further than Rob Gronkowski.

This year’s Patriots are a little different animal, because they have a legitimate weapon on the outside they haven’t had since Randy Moss. Once their seemingly endless supply of small white receivers ran out due to massive concussions, Brandin Cooks became their go-to guy. He’s made Patriots fans forget about Danny Amendola, Julian Edelman and Wes Welker. Of course, Wes Welker doesn’t remember Wes Welker either.

The Pats were very confident coming into the season. So much so, that they had a massive circlejerk banner-raising ceremony prior to their first game of the year against the Chiefs. Marky Mark Wahlberg, who left at halftime of the previous Super Bowl, gave a rousing speech that made everyone in America throw up.

The football gods would not let something this pretentious and masturbatory slide, and the Chiefs beat the living shit out of the Patriots on national television. We thank them for their selfless service to our country.

But this game will not be in the country. It will be in Mexico City, and the Pats will be surrounded by a hundred thousand screaming, rabid Raider fans with terrible indigestion. Each one will be provided a complimentary laser pointer, and by the fourth quarter the game will look like a rave on San Pedro Island during spring break. Nobody with epilepsy should watch this game.

Hopefully Donald Trump will finish building his wall before the Patriots try to re-enter the country, because that’s the only way they’re not getting the #1 seed in the playoffs this year.

The Raiders will fight valiantly, the Raiders will fight nobly, and the Raiders will lose, because the Patriots at this point are a force of nature like the tides or the seasons or some famous politician or comedian being called out for being a total creep.

It would be clever of me to predict a score of 18-1 or 28-3, but the Raiders are better than that. They’re just not as good as the Patriots.

Patriots win, 44-26.”