We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, the Rated R Superstar, the Mouth of the South, the Prime Time Player, and the Man of 1,001 Holds, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today hot off yet another astoundingly correct prediction of a Raiders loss at the hands of the Patriots. Nooo, Raiderdamus, you said. The Raiders will win! But the Great Beyond knew better, and deep down in your hearts, so did you.
But this week is another week, and with it comes another divisional showdown. How will Oakland respond to having its back against the wall? I entreated the Great Beyond to share his immense wisdom, and here is what he said.
“You’re back! After that last beating, I figured you’d crawl into a hole and die. That’s probably what Ken Norton Jr. will do now that he’s unemployed. Instead of a three-year contract, McKenzie should have just used that money to buy a Pit of Misery large enough to throw Norton into, and it would have been a better use of the money. Dilly dilly!
So who do you got this week? The Broncos? Oh for crying out loud, again? You just played them! Well, I should probably fax this message to you, but it might get there too late.
If there’s one team more disappointing this season than the Raiders, it’s the Giants. But if there were two teams more disappointing than the Raiders, the second would be the Broncos. Oh, their defense is so good! Oh, Trevor Siemian can kinda throw! Oh, they signed Jamaal Charles!
Yes, they did sign Jamaal Charles, because apparently the Broncos wanted a player who has more ACLs in his name than in his legs. Charles has done two things for the Broncos, and they are jack and shit.
Trevor Siemian was not only awful when he played, he looked lost. He couldn’t find his own ass with a GPS, a Rand McNally atlas and a team of bloodhounds. He thinks “CB” stands for “Catch Ball”, because that’s what they do when he’s on the field.
And TO THIS VERY DAY the greatest quarterback ever drafted by the Denver Broncos is still this man:
and he plays for the fucking New York Mets. That’s not even the same sport as the Broncos play, although at this point I hesitate to describe what the Broncos do as a ‘sport’. It’s more like serial disappointment.
But Great Beyond! you may say. Jay Cutler was drafted by the Broncos!
And I would say to you, this man?
I would politely at that point entreat you to take a long walk off a short pier, because the next time Jay Cutler cares about anything will be the first time. He has turned apathy into an Olympic sport. Not only did John Fox attempt suicide by coaching the Broncos, he then tried again by coaching Cutler on the Bears. Here’s Fox trying to get his blood pressure under control after a Tuesday morning quarterbacks meeting:
And that brings us to the defense. They are a shell of what they once were. They literally just lost to the New York Giants, which frankly is difficult to do unless you’re the Chiefs. The Broncos’ once-vaunted defense now has more holes in it than the walls of the Aurora, CO movie theater.
The one thing the Broncos have going for them as a team is that they usually have a quarterback who can get them into the Super Bowl, where they usually get their asses kicked. They lost 43-8 to Seattle a few years back and that was, like, the third worst Super Bowl they’ve had. It’s typically way worse than that.
Because the fact of the matter is, despite all their pseudo-military saluting and obnoxious grandstanding as a team that “does things the right way” and “builds through defense and running the football” and having a bunch of Midwestern yokel fans who like to think they’re hip West Coasters because Colorado is in the Pac-12, the Broncos still kinda suck. They’re boring, they’re sloppy, they love to draft one good player every 20 years to remain relevant, and they’d love the smell of their own farts if they could even get a whiff through the permacloud of weed that makes its home in Denver.
But the Broncos have now turned to a new hero, one they can truly put their faith in. A man who totally does not at all look like he is 22 years old with a six year old son, who dropped out of high school to get a job with his uncle’s long-haul trucking company, or who deals meth out of the back of a 1987 Honda Civic:
Now despite the obvious question of, “Would you buy drugs from this man?”, one wonders what Lynch will do once his football career inevitably goes down the drain. Will he:
A) Tie a young lady to train tracks so a Mountie will try to save her, expediting his doom
B) Write a book about how OJ Simpson killed his son
C) Return to Neverland to once again torment Peter Pan and the Lost Boys
D) Direct adult films in Van Nuys
Let’s keep in mind that Lynch won’t be taking over for Siemian at all, but will be taking over the the even-more-disappointing Brock Osweiler, who (let’s recall) was once offered SIXTEEN MILLION PER YEAR by John Elway to play for them after the retirement of Peyton Manning. Now, Osweiler is being paid a fortune by the Browns to not play for them.
Once faced with the grim reality that he has totally run the franchise he loves into the ground, John Elway will surely resign. And in keeping with their long-standing tradition of having a horse-person in charge, the new General Manager of the Broncos will be:
Sex and the Broncos, every Sunday night on HBO. Much like Elway, peanut butter will be placed on Sarah Jessica Parker’s gums so she looks like she’s really talking during interviews.
The Raiders are going to be angry for this game. The Broncos are probably beyond caring, and are starting their third quarterback of the season and looking longingly at Mason Rudolph and Josh Allen for next April. This one could get ugly. Ramsay Bolton will have more mercy than the Raiders will.
Raiders win, 27-13.”