We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, the blast from the past, the wave of the future, and God’s gift to sports blogging because that’s why I’m called the Present, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today jubilant, fresh off yet another correct prediction of a dominant Raiders victory over their Most Hated Rival, the Denver Broncos, who failed just as I said they would.
Up next in the Raiders’ Quest for the Playoffs are the woeful New York Football Giants. I know you can’t wait to hear what our benefactor and patron, the Great Beyond has to say, so let’s get right to it!
“Welcome back! What a win last week against Denver. That team really knows how to twist the knife in their fans’ hearts. First, they go scoreless in the first three quarters and then mount a comeback in the fourth behind a new quarterback. Not only do they give the fans the pain of losing to the Raiders, but they also give them the knowledge that they might have won the game, had they started Trevor Siemian over Paxton Lynch. That’s the sort of realization that makes a man sink directly into the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam.
So who you got this week? The Giants? Well, I should probably run this message by Jason Pierre-Paul first. I know he’d give it one and a half thumbs up!
The Giants are a funny team, because they’ve basically sucked forever but still have managed to win four Super Bowls. They’re one of the original NFL teams and have been around since time immemorial. But they are best known for basically getting their players murdered in the field. Here’s one of the original incidents that led to the implementation of higher safety measures in football. This is Eagles linebacker Chuck Bednarik nearly decapitating Frank Gifford:
Gifford was so traumatized by this hit, he suffered involuntary muscle spasms for the rest of his life any time he was in an airplane with an attractive flight attendant. He also had some vision problems, as evidenced by the fact that he married Kathie Lee.
In retaliation for this hit, the football gods have never allowed the Eagles to win a Super Bowl, although they have had so many Miracles against the Giants they started having to number them.
In 1964, Giants quarterback Y.A. Tittle threw a pick-six against the Pittsburgh Steelers. At the end of the play, Tittle dropped to his knees without his helmet, blood streaming down his face. Photographer Morris Berman snapped the following shot of Tittle:
The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette refused to run the photo, preferring to go with “action” shots. It’s a shame, because this is easily one of the greatest sports photographs of all time, and it proves that the Giants are at their best when they aren’t doing anything.
The Giants often fall into success without really trying. In 1981, the Giants were drafting #2 overall, with only the Saints ahead of them. The Saints decided to take running back George Rogers, who had just won the Heisman Trophy. The Giants took North Carolina linebacker Lawrence Taylor. Rogers was a Pro Bowler, but the Saints were the same level of shitty with or without him, and he certainly wasn’t the greatest player of all time at his position like Taylor was.
Here’s Taylor’s message to the Saints:
The Giants would win two Super Bowls with Taylor- the first after the 1986 season, when they dismantled the Broncos and after the 1990 season, giving the Bills their first of four consecutive Super Bowl losses. Beating the Broncos was great and all, but they gave us this man, and for that we can never forgive them.
“LEMME TELL YA SOMETHING JEEM, THE SLIGHTLY AMUSED LOOK ON MY FACE IS BECAUSE I JUST FORCED OUT THE RANKEST BEEF YOU EVER SMELLED IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU’RE TRAPPED IN HERE WITH IT JEEM. NOW LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS TOM BRADY, JEEM. HE IS A FOOTBALL PLAYER. I KNOW BECAUSE HE IS WEARING A FOOTBALL UNIFORM AND PLAYING THE SPORT RIGHT NOW, JEEM. THE SILVER HAT HE IS WEARING IS CALLED A HELMET, JEEM, AND IT IS DESIGNED TO PROTECT HIS HEAD FROM INJURY, JEEM.”
Half the reason Tony Romo is so great is because we no longer have to listen to Phil Simms’ verbal diarrhea from the booth.
The Giants also won that Super Bowl against the Bills by doing nothing. They just sat back and watched this happen:
Following that game, the Giants went dormant for several years. Once again, they benefited from the misfortune of others. This time it was the San Diego Chargers, who were SO bad that the number one pick in the 2004 NFL Draft flat out refused to play for them.
So they traded this man:
To the Giants for this man:
Now, at that point the Giants weren’t a much better team than the Chargers. What the Giants HADN’T done was completely ruin a promising young talent named Ryan Leaf. Archie Manning didn’t want his doofus son playing for the Chargers, and he was right. We gave the Mannings a ration of shit at the time for this decision, but they were 100% correct.
While Eli Manning has won two Super Bowls, he has not (outside of perhaps the 2007 season) had a good running game to work with. The size of the running lanes that New York gives its backs is never wider than the gap between Michael Strahan’s teeth. When Strahan smiles, I don’t know whether to smile back or kick a field goal.
But Manning did win those Super Bowls, both against Tom Brady and the Patriots, and remain to this day the only two Super Bowls Brady has ever lost. For this, we thank Manning. And we bid him farewell.
Because it is not Manning we will be seeing this Sunday. The Giants will be starting this man:
Yes, our old friend and professional Khalil Mack victim Geno Smith will be starting for the Giants on Sunday. Is IK Enekmpali still a Raider? This would be a great week to activate him.
The Giants’ window has officially closed and may not reopen for some time. It’s been a while since they had any real success. Their win in Super Bowl 42 is almost ten years old now, which means it’s too old for Lawrence Taylor to have sex with.
Now, as you might imagine, New York fans and non-fans alike are upset at this decision to bench Manning. Why, how many Super Bowls would the Giants have won without him? The same number as the amount of full seasons that Manning has thrown fewer than 10 interceptions- zero.
This decision has been made by lame-duck head coach Ben McAdoo, who knows that he is getting shitcanned as soon as the Giants leave the field in Week 17. But Ben McAdoo doesn’t care, because he is a scumbag. He looks like Mike Ditka fucked a bacon cheeseburger.
Ben McAdoo is the type of guy who watches porn on his phone on the bus. He’s the only guy who can wear sunglasses and look less cool. He would be the sort of guy to propose on both knees. He would get kicked out of a pee-wee soccer game for making lewd remarks to the moms. He calls everyone “chief”. He collects Legos but won’t let his kids play with them. He opens bags of potato chips with scissors. He has separate remotes for the TV, the DVR and the sound system. He bought a convertible Miata to pick up his kids every other weekend. He makes his dates order a salad. He spits tobacco in other people’s drink cups at the movies. He has an RV that he uses to follow Jimmie Johnson around on the NASCAR circuit.
Ben McAdoo tells lesbians they just prefer women because they’ve never been with a real man, and he puts his leg up on a chair like Captain Morgan while he says this. Ben McAdoo looks like the smell of cat pee and failure. He looks like he’s insured his moustache for $50,000. He thinks masturbation is natural and beautiful, and if other people don’t like it, well, there are other public parks they can visit.
But the putrid stench of the Giants’ season isn’t all on McAdoo or Manning, it’s on Odell Beckham Jr., a man who sleeps with 800 thread count sheets so he won’t be the softest thing in his bed at night.
Odell Beckham Jr. is so good at his job that he started doing other people’s jobs. He became essentially the entire offense, taking well over half the team’s targets. And then when he was hurt, the team was left with no answers. Odell Beckham is far too crazy to depend on that much. In fact, the most mentally stable of New York’s receiving corps is Brandon Marshall, although that take is pretty borderline. He is perfectly fine with playing for a new team in the exact same stadium he played in last year, because he’s been playing with two versions of himself his whole career. When Beckham went down, it was time for the Giants’ offense to sink or swim, but all the receivers just stayed in the boat.
The Raiders also may be without their top two wide receivers this week, but that won’t matter. The Raiders can actually run the ball, and they still have Jared Cook, Seth Roberts, Johnny Holton, and, umm, well the Giants suck.
The Giants have more or less given up. Geno and co. won’t be able to move the ball effectively enough to succeed, and Oakland proved last week against a vastly superior defense than the Giants that they can score without Michael Crabtree or Amari Cooper.
This game shouldn’t have a lot of offensive fireworks. That’s bad for the fans, but good for Jason Pierre-Paul.
Raiders win, 27-13.”