We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the big cheese, the Grand Poobah, the Big Kahuna, and the man for whom there is no “Off” position on the Genius Switch, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today pessimistic, given the giant egg laid by the Raiders in their previous game at Kansas City.
But this week is a new week, and we play a very special team that should lead to some truly memorable jokes. With that in mind, I relinquish the floor to the Great Beyond himself, and here is the message he delivered to me:
“Well well, you came back again! That last game was a real doozy. I haven’t seen a performance that bad since the Chicago Tribune tried to predict the 1948 Presidential election.
But the season must go on. Who you got this week? The Cowboys? Finally, a team worthy of my razor-sharp wit. A team so easily lampooned I could send this message with one humerus tied behind my back. A team so pretentious, they make Joel Osteen look like an Amish farmer.
A team that plays in a monument to football and excess, a place which was once cleverly known as Cowboys Stadium.
However, the stadium’s name was recently changed to AT&T Stadium, which is far more appropriate. Much like AT&T, the Cowboys are known for not getting reception.
AT&T Stadium, like its predecessor Texas Stadium, has a large hole in the roof. This is so that God can watch the Cowboys lose. The stadium also has the largest single television screen in the world, so that God can watch the Cowboys lose in high definition.
The Cowboys are a lot like the white trash loser who is on food stamps and can’t afford to feed his kids and skims from his cashier job at Wal-Mart to pay for his meth habit, but has a 60” plasma TV and a new pickup truck.
Although there are many stars on the field for the Cowboys, the only one that usually shows up is the one at midfield. It also serves as the rating for the team.
Jerry Jones (I’ll get to him later) built Cowboys Stadium with the expectation that quarterback Tony Romo would lead the Cowboys to many playoff wins in front of the home fans. That was misguided. In fact, not only did Tony Romo only win two playoff games in his entire career, but the Jacksonville Jaguars have more playoff wins in the last two decades than does Dallas.
Romo ended his career in depressing fashion in the preseason of 2016, suffering an injury against the Seahawks from which he would not return. The only clean snap for Romo last year was his own spine.
But don’t be sad for Tony Romo. Now that he no longer plays for the Cowboys, he will actually be able to make it to the Super Bowl!
After Romo’s injury, the walking charisma vacuum known as Dak Prescott took over his job and never gave it back. The last time someone in Dallas lost their job that dramatically due to injury was in November of 1963.
Even President Kennedy completed his drive better than the Cowboys usually do.
In the last couple of years, Kobe Bryant retired, Tony Romo retired, Ezekiel Elliott got suspended and Alabama lost in the National Championship game. That all means one thing: It’s been a rough few years for Yankees fans.
The Cowboys’ preseason should begin on August 8th every year, so they can start the season where they’ll end it. 8-8.
The Cowboys’ owner is Jerry Jones, who I can’t even be mad at because he is a parody of himself. Check this shit out:
Jerry Jones’ entire life is a rap video, so it’s no surprise he has that funky fresh flow.
People say that Cowboy fans are stupid. They say that it’s because of the Texas school system. They’re wrong about this, because most Cowboy fans have never been to Texas. And most of them are too young to remember when the Cowboys were good, with Troy Aikman at the helm. That’s okay because Aikman doesn’t remember any of that either.
“Aikman, touchdown, unbelievable!” Yeah, Aikman doesn’t believe it either.
Michael Irvin does, though. He recently had some unkind words about the effort of the Cowboys’ offensive line. And if there’s anyone who knows a good line when he sees it, it’s Michael Irvin.
Cowboys fans, despite all their bravado, have a deep insecurity complex. “Dez caught that pass!” they yell. If only they could drop it as easily as Dez did.
The Cowboys are a lot like a video game from EA. They are hyped all the time, they are expensive and gaudy, the media constantly talks about them, but when you really see them go, they are broken and disappointing.
Even so, the Raiders will have a tough time on Sunday night. They usually have issues with tight ends, and Dallas has one of the best in Jason Witten. Even with all the hard shots Witten has taken over the years, he still had the mental capacity to eliminate himself from being the coach of the Tennessee Volunteers. Aikman would have taken that job, because hell, who doesn’t want to beat Santa Ana at the Alamo?
This week’s game is on Sunday Night Football, which means we get to listen to Cris Collinsworth sniff the jock of every mediocre player on the Cowboys roster (which, let’s be real here, is all of them) and gush about Khalil Mack. Unfortunately, it will be Mack and co. who will come out on the losing end of this one.
Cowboys win, 26-19.”