We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the Once in a Generation Talent, the Rainmaker, the Stone Pitbull, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today fresh off a correct prediction of a Raiders loss in one of the craziest and most infamous games of the season, a game which will forever be known as the Index Card Game, or perhaps just the “OriGame”.
The Raiders are technically not yet eliminated from playoff contention, but at this point their hopes are all but dead. If there’s anything we know about this team, it’s that they will fight to the end, and lose anyway because of the refs and their overall lack of competence.
But this week is another week, and a Christmas Eve at that, so I give to you all the gift of a message from the Great Beyond. Hearken unto his words:
“What a crazy game that last one was! The Raiders have certainly made an art form of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Who you got this week? The Eagles? Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas. I’m going to roast the Eagles so bad, and it’s gonna get so dark, that even Andy Reid wouldn’t eat it, but Doug Pederson would try to cook it the same way ten years later. And Chip Kelly would try to trade it.
What a wonderful treat that we get to play the Eagles at Christmas time, a season they are known for. Philadelphia has a bad reputation for many reasons, but one of the most famous is that they booed Santa Claus and threw batteries at him in 1968. Philly fans have a long and storied history of booing and degrading the good things in their lives, and the only way they could have treated Santa Claus any worse is if he had been black and drafted in the first round.
If Reggie White had been named Reggie Black, he would have been traded his rookie year, and if he’d have been named Reggie Brown, he would have spent his time in Philadelphia dropping passes.
While Reggie White was in Philly, though, he was part of one of the finest defense (statistically, perhaps the best of all time), the 1990 Eagles. Buddy Ryan was the architect of this defense, and they participated in a game against Washington known as the “Body Bag Game” wherein the Eagles knocked no fewer than nine Washington players out of the game. In the end, Ryan would not be able to stay away from a body bag.
When one considers the success of the Giants and Jets, the Eagles are the worst football team in the state of New Jersey. That’s okay by the locals, because the Eagles and New Jersey go together like tribal tattoos and domestic abuse.
The Eagles now play in a stadium called Lincoln Financial Field, named for renowned financial genius Abraham Lincoln, who had far greater success during plays than the Eagles do. But they used to play in Veterans Stadium, which is ironic since no American veteran ever saw the Eagles win a Super Bowl.
Dating an Eagles fan lady is easy, because they never expect a ring, and you can disappoint them every year and they’ll keep coming back to you. Being an Eagles fan is like living in Hotel California- you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
Other sports cities have statues of their sports heroes. San Francisco has a statue of the great Willie Mays.
Chicago has a statue of Michael Jordan.
The Madeira Islands have a statue of Cristiano Ronaldo.
But Philadelphia has a statue of Rocky, who is not even a real person.
Only Philadelphia would worship as its sports icon a fictional character who did not win the championship and also suffered massive brain damage.
The Eagles have a fight song. Its lyrics are “Fly, Eagles, fly, on the road to victory.”
Listen, dipshits, eagles are BIRDS, and you still want to take a road? That level of incompetence is why, much like the Liberty Bell, you don’t have any fucking rings, but you do have plenty of crack.
After firing Andy Reid for eating every cheesesteak in the Tri-State Area, the Eagles hired Chip Kelly. Much like the fathers of every Eagles fan, Chip Kelly decimated the Eagles family and then left.
So far, the Eagles have 17 interceptions as a defense. That’s 14 fewer than their limit, because we all know they will never get Pick #32.
If you’re a Raiders fan, you know of radio personality JT The Brick. He is a beloved figure for his dedication to the Oakland Raiders as well as his hometown team, the New York Giants. But he hates the Eagles. Why?
Because when Mr. Brick was a young lad, he visited Veterans Stadium to watch an Eagles vs. Giants game, decked out in his finest Giants gear. While this may seem like a poor choice today, those were simpler times. Even so, he was harassed by Eagles fans and ultimately suspended by his ankles from the third deck railing, nearly plummeting to his death. He has not forgotten this, and neither should we.
The Eagles had a movie about them made, Invincible, which starred failed musician and noted Patriots fan Marky Mark Wahlberg. Despite this, expect to see a statue of Wahlberg in downtown Philadelphia in the coming years.
Another movie made about Philadelphia was called, cleverly enough, Philadelphia. It was about a man who watched so many Eagles games, he got AIDS and died.
I’ve said a lot about Philly in this piece, but maybe it would have been better to just wait around until the Eagles destroyed themselves. Why waste the effort? With the addition of Navorro Bowman, the Raiders might actually be able to contain Eagles tight end Zach Ertz. Ertz really should become a spokesman for pimple cream, because we know he’ll never break out.
However, we here in Raider Nation remember the last time we faced Eagles QB Nick Foles. He whipped us like a government mule, and he has a far better team behind us now than he did then. This one could get ugly, but the Eagles will still be like like a cell phone on silent, and never get a ring.
Eagles win, 34-20.”