We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, your hero, your paragon of virtue, and the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today fresh off yet another correct prediction of a Raiders loss, although our lads played much better on defense than anyone thought.
But this week finds us at the end of our season, and there will not be any more Foretellings after this one until next year. This is Week 17, and the Raiders are well out of contention.
Still, I have a job to do, and one I take seriously, which is strange considering my job is basically to be a comedy act. To this end, I’ve once again contacted the Great Beyond, and this is what the Old One had to say:
“Well well, we’ve reached the end of another shitty season, haven’t we? Another one the Patriots are probably going to win, and send us all into a fresh hell of depression and alcoholism? Might as well get on with it then. Who you got this week? The Chargers? I know you already played them, but there’s so much more to make fun of them for! It almost hurts me to do it, because this is the most attention the Chargers are going to get all year.
For instance, when the Los Angeles San Diego Chargers of Anaheim decided to move north to the Worst City On Earth, they also decided to ingratiate themselves to their new fans with a brand new logo. Here’s what it looked like:
You can imagine the reaction of the locals, for it was the same reaction as anyone without severe brain damage.
This new logo is, as you can plainly see, merely the Los Angeles Dodgers’ logo with a little squiggly lightning bolt through the ‘A’. It’s a design so lazy and vapid that only a Los Angeles marketeer could have come up with it, and only an organization as retarded and irresponsible as the Chargers could have approved it. Bad things happen to the Chargers so often, not even this logo made it through the season.
If the Chargers want to emulate the Dodgers so bad, they should just go all out with it and do a total rebranding. Call themselves the Los Angeles Dragons, LAD, and give their shitty little stadium the nickname “The LA-IR” because that’s where all their players are anyway.
The reason LAC works so well for the Chargers is that it’s “ACL” all crooked and sideways. As it stands, the Chargers are the least popular LAC in the city, and are the fifth most popular professional football team in a city that only has two teams. They literally came in fifth in a two-man race.
Here are the most popular teams in Los Angeles, ranked in order:
of course, that’s only professional teams. USC and UCLA are more popular than the Chargers by orders of magnitude.
There was a day where the Chargers had hope. A day where they had TWO Super Bowl champion quarterbacks on their roster. That day was Draft Day, 2004. That lasted about a half hour, because they traded away Eli Manning for a man who has more children than playoff victories, a man who believes in protection with the same nonchalance that his offensive line does, a man who is on his back almost as much as his wife, Philip Rivers.
It did not have to be this way. The Chargers once had the #1 offense and #1 defense in the same season. Here’s a picture of what happened next:
Chargers fans can’t say they weren’t warned. LT even came with a sticker. After one season with the Jets, Tomlinson had far more playoff success than he ever had with the Chargers.
Dean Spanos is so bad as an owner, he makes Donald Sterling look like Bob Kraft.
Truly, the ineptitude of the Chargers knows no bounds. In two seasons as head coach of the Browns, Hue Jackson has gone 1-30. He has won exactly one game.
TAKE A FUCKING GUESS WHO THAT ONE WIN WAS AGAINST
The Chargers are nothing but pain and suffering, they always have been and they always will be. The only time anyone has ever felt happiness and pleasure at a Chargers game is when that security guard was whacking his Johnson in front of all those cheerleaders. This proves you can get fired for trying to be happy as a Chargers fan.
The Chargers’ little high school soccer field of a stadium only seats around 30,000 people, which means there are about 160,000 Raider fans who will be unable to procure tickets for this meaningless piece of shit game. The Charger fan, though, will be there. His name is Eric, and he’s probably going to get stabbed at some point during the game.
With all this being said, the Raiders are equally bad. They just don’t have a history of shitting the bed spectacularly the way the Chargers do. But without any hope on the horizon for the Raiders, they probably won’t care enough to win this game, even in front of their home fans.
go charge go
Chargers win, 23-13.”