Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the pork to your chop, the sizzle to your steak, the orange glace to your roast duck, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today triumphant after yet another completely accurate prediction of a Raiders victory over the pathetic New York Giants. I must apologize for the delay in today’s proceedings, as the Great Beyond informs me he was laughing so hard at Marcus Peters’ antics against the Jets on Sunday he passed out and was asleep for a week of human time. It’s fitting that this post is late, because a lot of it is going to be about Andy Reid’s clock management.
But at long last I have received his new missive, which reads as such:
“Well well, looks like the Silver and Black is back on the right track! Two wins in a row, now who you got next? The Chiefs? Aww shit, we just did them! Guess rhat’s what happens when you play in a division with three of the dullest teams in football.
Andy Reid will be very interested in this message, because it’s going to be a roast. In fact, the only reason Reid took the Chiefs job in the first place was because when Reid’s agent told him they wanted him to go to KC, Reid misheard it as “KFC”.
If you’ll notice, this meal has ten pieces of deep-fried chicken, cole slaw, mashed potatoes, french fries and a SUGAR FREE SODA. This is a love letter to capitalism and a monument to man’s arrogance, and could not represent the oeuvre of Andy Reid any better.
But it’s also true that Reid has been on a diet for a long time. That’s why his late game strategy is so baffling- he doesn’t want any seconds.
This sort of thing is par for the course for a place so utterly devoid of relevance or substance as Kansas City. It’s the sort of place that must make itself feel important by naming its teams after royalty- The Royals, the Kings, the Monarchs, etc. I hate to break it to them, but Kansas City is in Missouri, not 16th century France, and we don’t have royalty here.
Because you don’t vote for kings. But between 1854 and 1861, in an action that presaged the Civil War, pro-slavery groups from Missouri invaded Kansas in an attempt to get the Territory of Kansas to vote to enter the Union as a slave state. During the Civil War itself, additional violence erupted between the two states, and Kansas has been an important vanguard in the fight against the scourge of Missouri ever since.
In the end, Missouri’s plan failed, and they became slaves themselves when methamphetamine was invented in 1919.
The Chiefs and their fans are constantly trying to be a “Big boy” team, even though their last Super Bowl win was closer to the Great Depression than today. Depression remains a common theme in Missouri. Only Bryan Adams reminisces about ‘69 more than the Chiefs fans do. Kansas City fans’ main claim to fame is that they are the Loudest Fans in the World, which is a bit like being the Shortest Dwarf or the Drunkest Hooligan.
This need to be unique and important is in stark contrast to the way the Chiefs actually conduct themselves. They still haven’t even mastered the modern game and the way it utilizes wide receivers. Andy Reid with a quality wideout like, say, Tyreek Hill is like this man attempting to use a camera newer than a daguerrotype:
The Chiefs also have much catching up to do with the rest of the league when it comes to drafting quarterbacks, which is typically something teams are supposed to do. If Pat Mahomes wins three games in his career, it will be the most games won by a QB drafted by the Chiefs since 1983. The Chiefs have nearly as much trouble drafting quarterbacks as the Broncos do.
But there was one Broncos-drafted quarterback who had success against the Chiefs. Tim Tebow beat the Chiefs in November of 2011 after going 2-8 passing for 69 yards. Say what you like about Tebow, but the man knew what it takes to beat the Chiefs, and that’s to suck just a little bit less than they do.
These days, though, the Chiefs are sucking pretty hard. Their star cornerback, Marcus Peters, decided to take justice into his own hands last Sunday in New York, thinking perhaps that if the refs did not see the flag they had just thrown, that they could not enforce the penalty.
Nice try, Marcus! Unfortunately for Peters, the alert referee not only saw what he did there, but he had a hat to throw as well.
Whoops! Bad move, Marcus. Not only did you lose the game, lose your cool, and lose the respect of your teammates, you also lost your socks somehow as well. Not that you’ll be needing socks anytime soon, since your dumb ass is suspended.
The Raiders will be looking to slaughter the Chiefs in KC, and if any year were the year to do it, it would be this one. The Raiders are a lot like a Komodo Dragon waiting for a hulking, poisoned water buffalo to die.
In fact, the only thing slower than a poisoned water buffalo is Andy Reid’s two-minute offense, which he has carefully designed to be as slow as his metabolism.
Even without Amari Cooper this week, the Raiders are in a good position to take control of the AFC West. Michael Crabtree will be back and the team will be fully motivated to make the playoffs in a weak AFC. The only thing Reid and the Chefs will be motivated to do is make it back to catering.
Raiders win, 27-20.”