Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the sultan of sages, the poobah of prognostication, the father of foresight, and the man who is right more often than a ninety-degree angle, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come before you today fresh of yet another completely and totally accurate prediction of a Raiders victory. It used to be that when the Great Raiderdamus predicted an outcome, there would be those who did not believe with their heart that it was true. Fortunately, those days are long past and now Raiderdamus is held up as the benchmark by whom all predictive-based comedic football writers are compared.
With this in mind, the Great Raiderdamus has contacted the Great Beyond once again, to find out what will befall out beloved Silver and Black this coming weekend. Fall to your knees in fear and awe. Here is what was revealed to me by the Great Old One:
“Are there any yet remaining who doubt the word of the Great Beyond? Do any poor misbegotten souls exist who disbelieve in my revelation? I think not. The Raiders were victorious, just as I said. Fools better recognize, and put some respeck on my name. Who you got this week? The Jets? Pardon me while I tie half my wit behind my back, because half is all I’m going to need.
The New York Jets are easily the most pathetic franchise in all of American sports. They hold on to their one shining moment of glory, the one time they won more than jack shit, Super Bowl 3. The Jets rest on their laurels more than Billy Beane, who is best known for that one time he almost beat the Yankees.
The Jets won Super Bowl 3 on January 12, 1969, well before man walked on the Moon. Do you know what else happened on that day? This album was released:
That’s Led Zeppelin 1. Led Zeppelin have released nine more albums since then, and their drummer died, and Led Zeppelin played a major reunion concert thirty years after the release of their last studio album. and in all that time, the New York Jets have not made it back to the Super Bowl. The only place they have made it to is the #1 spot on the Forbes List of 100 Shittiest Sports Franchises.
The New York Jets are so crappy, they can’t even play in a stadium that has their name on it. They used to play in Giants Stadium, which during Jets games changed its name to “The Meadowlands” as if to fool the good people of New York into believing that, firstly, the Jets played in a meadow in New York instead of a toxic fucking swamp in New Jersey, and also that the Jets were a real team. Now the Jets play in Metlife Stadium, so they play in a building named after the fourth most popular baseball team in New York. Why the Mets don’t play at Metlife and the Jets don’t play at Citi Field is a mystery for the ages. The Jets are like the Mets of football, except the Mets actually won something in the 1980s.
Sometimes, when choosing a sports team to support, a man or woman might side with the underdog, the downtrodden, the less fortunate team. Perhaps he or she feels bad for them, perhaps the person’s personal situation accurately reflects that of the team so they feel a certain kinship.
This is a bad idea. This is why the Jets have fans at all.
Famed and miraculously not-dead-yet comedian Artie Lange said it best:
“When I was a kid, I was into the New York Jets. And then I got into girls as I got older, and then I got back into the Jets because I'd realized there's times when the girl won't fuck you, but the Jets will always fuck you."
A bad team rarely stays bad forever. The Sixers in the NBA have been bad since Allen Iverson left, but they have drafted promising players in recent years and look to be on the upswing. The Cleveland Browns appear to be a team on the rise. The Kansas City Royals, doormats for decades, literally won a World Series. So did the damn Cubs. The Indians probably will soon.
But not the Jets! The Jets are like a serial kidnapper who keeps people locked up in his basement and deprives them of all hope for the future, feeding on their despair. They will never allow their fans to have a shred of optimism. How else do you explain this?
Look at this shit. Pete Rozelle is grinning, that slimy little turd, because he knows what’s coming and he’s powerless to stop it. The tears of the Jets fans must flow, for they feed the NFL machine.
When your franchise hires one of the Ryan brothers, it means that your team has given up and accepted mediocrity as the new normal. Not so for Jets fans! They look fondly back on the days when noted braggart foot fetishist Rex Ryan was their head coach. He gave them a leg up on the competition and toed the line between overbearing and endearing.
With Ryan came “franchise quarterback” Mark Sanchez, who helmed the Jets offense to their last playoff appearances. Sanchez also did this, which I am aware is a tired joke by now but is way too funny for me not to include here:
The New York Jets, God rest their souls, have been in the AFC East since the dawn of time. As of today, they are tied for fifth in AFC East Division titles, behind the Patriots, Bills, Dolphins, and the Colts, who have not been in the AFC East since 2002. The Jets are tied for fifth with the Houston Oilers, who no longer exist.
In true Jets fashion, the team is responsible for its own demise. In 2001, linebacker Mo Lewis knocked Drew Bledsoe into next week, and in came some scrub backup sixth-rounder named Tom Brady. Thanks largely to Mo Lewis, Brady has since slept with beautiful women such as Bridget Moynahan and Giselle Bundchen, but Tom Brady doesn’t fuck anyone as hard as he fucks the New York Jets.
The Jets once employed Brett Favre. Prior to joining the Jets, Favre was an All-American golden boy, the toast of a nation, and he was just throwing the ball around like he was a kid out there in the back yard. After joining the Jets, Favre was a dirty old man who liked to send pictures of his dong to unsuspecting young ladies.
One can presume that many fans of this team paid close attention during the Malaysian Air incident in 2014, so they should be used to the Jets not showing up.
The Jets are clearly tanking this year in a sport where tanking is actually rewarded because there is no draft lottery. If I were grading their commitment to being terrible, on a scale of 1 to 11, I’d give them a 9.
Nobody can look at the history of the New York Jets and tell me it’s not one forty-year-long tank job. I just don’t know who they’re trying to get at the end of it. They could have had Marcus Mariota, but they defeated the Titans during the 2014 season, putting them a single game ahead of the Titans in the standings, ensuring that Tennessee had the #2 overall pick. Watch this and tell me that the existence of the New York Jets is not an elaborate troll of the people of New York, designed to waste everyone’s time and energy:
At some point, I have to stop beating on the Jets. It’s like punching a little kid with cancer, what more can you do to hurt them? Cancer, much like the Jets, inexplicably lost to Chuck Pagano in 2016.
Jets head coach Todd Bowles is, by all accounts, a decent guy. He’s a solid defensive coach who is being set up for a fall. The Jets definitely want one of the top three quarterbacks in the next draft: Josh Rosen, Sam Darnold, or Josh Allen. Fate dictates therefore that the Jets will win enough games to draft fourth overall. I can’t name three teams worse than the Jets, but when has that ever mattered? Here is some footage of Todd Bowles entertaining the thought of no longer being employed by the Jets:
I don’t feel the need to go over the Jets’ roster as opposed to the Raiders’ roster and explain why the Jets are going to get their shit kicked in. What I will do is provide the following illustration of what is going to happen to the Jets on Sunday:
There are three commandments in football. Thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not kill, and thou shalt not fuck with the Oakland Raiders. Ohhh my brother, testify!
Raiders win, 38-10.”