Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the Excellence of Execution, the Great One, the American Dream, and the Big Red Machine, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today humbled and full of shame after selecting the Raiders to be victorious in Washington, but this week is another week, as most tend to be.
And this week, the Raiders travel to Colorado to take on Most Hated Rival, the Denver Broncos, who are also fresh off a road loss to the Buffalo Bills. I’d like to thank Von Miller for thinking “psyche!” is a valid football strategy.
But you didn’t come here to read my monologues, you came to listen to the words of the Great Beyond. So without further ado, I shall reveal to you the enlightenment I received from His Beyondness this week:
“You’re back! I thought you’d have crawled under a rock after last week. That was a failure on every level, no two ways about it. So who you got this week? The Broncos? Well strap in buddy, because we’re going to town.
If we’re really being honest with ourselves, the Denver Broncos are, historically speaking, the most underrated NFL franchise ever. When people name the great franchises in NFL history, they list teams like the Cowboys, Steelers, 49ers, Patriots, Raiders and Packers. They never say Denver. The Broncos have been to seven Super Bowls and won three of them, but do they get credit for that? No.
What they are remembered for is being a leader in the fight for diversity, by rolling over and getting blown the hell out by BOTH black quarterbacks to ever win the Super Bowl. Doug Williams and technically-black Russell Wilson both won the Super Bowl exactly once, and both did it by grinding Denver into a fine paste.
In the long history of the Denver Broncos, they have won well over 40 playoff games. Exactly one of those wins was by a quarterback they drafted themselves. Let’s all relive that:
Yes, it was Tim Tebow defeating the Steelers, as every other Denver playoff victory came courtesy of John Elway’s hubris or Peyton Manning’s neck going into business for itself. John Elway was famous for holding the Baltimore Colts hostage long before he was known as the biggest Super Bowl choke artist of all time. And even today, with Elway as general manager of the Broncos, his ego knows no bounds. He even forced the Mile High grounds crew to paint a portrait of his visage at midfield:
The timing of these Broncos championships is also suspect. Cleveland Browns washout Brock Osweiler is a Super Bowl champion, but Champ Bailey is not.
After the demise of Manning, the Broncos looked in-house for their quarterback replacement. Trevor Siemian has such low standards for the position, he is the only person in the country who had an Alex Smith Fathead on his wall as a kid.
Trevor Siemian thinks it’s hilarious that the Broncos drafted tight end Jake Butt, so he can make the Siemian-to-Butt connection and laugh along with everyone else. Trevor Siemian would give his ex relationship advice with her new boyfriend. Trevor Siemian buys roses for his mom on Valentine’s Day. Trevor Siemian pays for porn. Trevor Siemian wears briefs in the shower.
A couple years ago, John Elway and the Broncos’ “brain”trust decided that Trevor Siemian was not a viable long-term option, as anyone who watched a game he played in college could have told them. So they drafted Paxton Lynch, who was delighted because now he could get Mile High without any legal repercussions. Paxton Lynch looks like a 22-year old with an eight year old son.
I don’t know if I want to watch Paxton Lynch represent me against a cabal of Hollywood bigwigs in a contract negotiation, or watch Paxton Lynch swing from a chandelier and kidnap Trevor Siemian’s girlfriend. Later on he’d check his cell phone and he’d have a text from Trevor, telling him all her favorite nighttime snacks.
But alas, Lynch got hurt, and now has a medical marijuana card even though he doesn’t need one. Lynch has had glaucoma since he was 14. So the Broncos were in the market for a quarterback, and they looked around for the best fit. But... they couldn’t possibly... no, it’s too much... oh shit, they actually did it:
Let me get this straight, John. The man who was sub-Tom Savage in Houston and couldn’t hold Deshone Kizer’s jock in fucking Cleveland is the guy you want backing up your milquetoast waif of a quarterback, against Joey Bosa and Justin Houston and Khalil Mack. What do you have to say for yourself, John?
Well, I can’t argue with that kind of logic. I know Elway doesn’t care, because he is a student of history, so he is well aware that in 2021 new Broncos legend Andrew Luck will lead the team once again to the promised land. However, that promised land is the AFC Wild Card game, where they will be obliterated by Deshaun Watson. as is tradition.
The problem the Raiders face this week is that Oakland is essentially a carbon copy of the Dallas Cowboys. Strong running game, elite offensive line, athletic receivers, accurate and risk-averse quarterback and unacceptable defense. Denver already beat Dallas 42-17, and they’ll probably have the upper hand in this game too.
Broncos win, 24-19.”