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Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Seahawks

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NFL: Oakland Raiders at Seattle Seahawks Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man of the hour, the tower of power too sweet to be sour, using 500 horsepower to make fools run and cower, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. The Raiders may be a little disappointing this year, but Raiderdamus and the Great Beyond will never let you down.

With the goal in mind of edifying and entertaining each and every one of you as I do every week, I’ve once again entreated the aid of the Great Beyond to give us a clue as to the fate of the Raiders this week. The message I received is as follows. Fall on your faces, o mortals, and cower in fear and trepidation:

“You’re back again! All that optimism you had about the Raiders’ season has to be down the tubes now. But you keep summoning me, and because I have nothing better to do I’ll keep sending these messages. Who are you playing this week? The Seahawks? And where is the game? Oh, that’s gotta suck.

The people of Seattle like everything fast and convenient, except their commutes. They are busy folks, and don’t have time to wait to use a bathroom when walking down the street or find a trash can when shooting up heroin on the sidewalk. It’s for this reason that they’ve exchanged the quality of decent coffee for Starbucks and the wholesome goodness of actual food for 7-11. There are, in fact, 44 7-11 locations in the greater Seattle area. But 7-11 is the finest Seattle can hope for, because the Seahawks are 5-11 at best. This year, that might be good enough for second place in the NFC West.

The Seahawks have two things going for them at this point, Russell Wilson and Pete Carroll. They will have to shell out big bucks to keep Wilson past 2019, but surely they don’t fear Carroll’s departure. It’s not like he’s known for jumping ship and bolting as soon as his team starts to fall apart and the heat gets turned up.

Emerald Bowl - Boston College v USC Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

Wilson, on the other hand, might stay just for sentimental reasons. Russell Wilson makes Ben Carson look like Louis Farrakhan. He does a ton of charity work with sick kids in the Seattle area at children’s hospitals. But those kids need to get some perspective, because cancer will treat them far better than the Seahawks ever will.

Muhammad Ali’s Celebrity Fight Night XXI - Show Photo by Michael Buckner/Getty Images for Celebrity Fight Night

If you ever have the misfortune of finding yourself in the Seattle area, you will see plenty of people wearing Seattle #12 jerseys that say “MAN” on the nameplate. This is because Seattleites are not true fans and don’t know the names of any of their players, and so their favorite Seahawks player is... themselves.

Super Bowl XLIX Media Day Fueled by Gatorade Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

Okay first of all Susan, you don’t play for the Seahawks so sit the fuck down. You’re not a part of the team, you pay to sit in the stands and yell in the rain. I mean, Raider fans have Raider Nation, and it’s important to dress up and act crazy, but we don’t make jerseys that are essentially masturbatory fantasies about being part of the team. On the contrary, the chief purpose of Raider Nation is to scare the ever-living shit out of all opposing fans. The only people Seattle fans scare are the poor Colombian slaves who harvest their coffee.

Seattle’s weather is such garbage, it doesn’t even make sense to have a football team there. Maybe the Seahawks should move to a nicer part of the country. Somewhere warmer and drier, with some clay instead of mud. Somewhere like Oklahoma City. Why, that would be just super!

I’m almost to the goal line here, but it’s getting tiresome and predictable to keep running these jokes down your throat, so maybe I should just pass.

But I have to give it to Seattle fans, they are some of the most longsuffering people in the country. They support the Mariners unfailingly, and despite holding the record for most wins in a season and some of the best players in baseball history (Randy Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, Ken Griffey Jr. and Ichiro Suzuki), they have never won shit and will never win shit. The Seahawks actually have won a Super Bowl, and every Seahawk fan was allowed to stay up well past their bedtime by their mommy and daddy to watch as they trounced Denver to win it. The following year, when they were in third grade, they also got to stay up to watch Seattle lose to New England.

The Seahawks have had some truly tremendous players in their history. Steve Largent, Chris Warren, Kenny Easley, Shaun Alexander, Walter Jones, Cortez Kennedy. Of course, no true Seahawk fan is old enough to remember any of them. But Raider fans remember one Seahawk great in particular:

People say the Seahawks’ offensive line is terrible, but I beg to differ. I’ve never seen a line shut down the running game the way they can, it’s uncanny. And I’ve never seen a defensive line protect the quarterback the way theirs does.

Seattle’s drafting is so bad, it makes the Cardinals look like the Vikings. They had one good draft in 2012 and have been riding it ever since. This year, they drafted Rashaad Penny, one of the best rushers in college football history, but in their infinite wisdom have made the undrafted Chris Carson their featured back. Prized second-round pick Malik McDowell did more damage in the back of a cop car than he did on the field.

This game will be played in London, a market the NFL values so highly they send the Jaguars over there each year. It’s a country whose football hooligans in every stadium make the Black Hole look like Augusta National. They sing racist songs and shoot flares onto the field while both teams take turns not scoring- just like a Jaguars game! England has a long history with raiders, having first been pillaged by the Norsemen in AD 793. The Seattle defense is pillow-soft and should put up just as much fight as did the monks of Lindisfarne.

The Seahawks don’t have many of the things which once made them the most feared team in the league. They don’t have a competent secondary, a fierce four-man pass rush, or innovative schemes on either side of the ball. But what they do have, is Bobby Wagner and Russell Wilson, and on Sunday, that might just be enough.

Seahawks win, 26-16.”