We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, your host with the most, your ghost to the post, the butter to your toast, diagnosed with the boasts and witty ripostes, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. The Raiders are coming back from a bye week, and have once again jettisoned one of their key players in WR Amari Cooper. After the two-week break, the Great Beyond has an important message for us, so let’s drop all pretense and hearken unto his words:
“You again! The Raiders keep changing, but you never do. Every week you bother me, asking about your mess of a team. If only the front office in Oakland was as stalwart as you are. Now, who you got this week? The Colts?
Anyone can say anything they want about the Raiders, but at least the Raiders did not allow this to happen:
Yes that’s right, the Colts choked so hard in Super Bowl III that the Jets were legitimized as a franchise, and now everybody knows who Joe Namath is. Suzy Kolber endured sexual harassment on LIVE FUCKING TELEVISION because of the Colts losing this game. In fact, Super Bowl III legitimized the AFL as a football league, and so the Colts are also responsible for the New England Patriots. We, uhh, don’t talk about Super Bowl II. It never happened.
Despite having one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time in Johnny Unitas, the Colts managed one Super Bowl, defeating the Cowboys in Super Bowl V. They found themselves in a similar predicament with another of the greatest of all time in Peyton Manning, and to win a Super Bowl with him they had to beat this man in a monsoon:
Yes that’s right, the Colts defeated the Sex Cannon, Mr. Fuck It I’m Going Deep himself, Rex Grossman in the Super Bowl against a team whose best player was their kick returner. Peyton Manning always dreamed of throwing the winning touchdown pass in a Super Bowl, and he was able to do this twice. Once to Tracy Porter, and once to Malcolm Smith.
After Manning’s neck fell off, the Colts performed the most elaborate tank job since the Luftwaffe invaded Belgium in 1940. They ended up drafting Stanford QB Andrew Luck, pictured here:
Anyone up for a swim?
Despite being one of the finest quarterbacks of his generation, Andrew Luck is one of the ugliest and most awkward-looking human beings to ever live. Had Andrew Luck been born in Zaire, he would be considered the missing link between mankind and Homo Erectus.
But despite having the wisdom and foresight to draft Luck, the Colts naturally neglected to draft an offensive line to speak of. Luck got hurt, and he rehabbed his throwing arm for approximately 37 years. Chuck Pagano’s recovery from cancer was faster than Luck recovering from whatever the fuck happened to his arm. Even now I remain unconvinced that what we see under center for the Colts is not an advanced Andrew Luck-looking android. Here is a more recent picture of Luck:
Andrew Luck looks like he picks calluses off his feet and eats them. He looks like his blood is made of craft IPA. Andrew Luck’s favorite band is so obscure, they haven’t even formed yet. He looks like a man who calls every little kid ‘Chief’. He has a shrine to Michael Cera in his bathroom. His favorite movie is ‘She’. He plays football ironically. He collects documentaries about serial killers and shows them to the kids tied up in his basement every Wednesday. He lays on his own arm before whackin’ it so it feels like someone else is doing it. He sits backwards on the toilet so he can shit and eat Fruity Pebbles at the same time.
The reason the Colts can’t have nice things is because they do shit like this:
That’s not the only time the Colts completely shit the bed against New England. Remember when Tom Brady was suspended for deflating footballs? That was hilarious. But he got busted because he did it before a playoff game against the Colts. New England won 45-7, so I kinda doubt the footballs were the problem.
But wait, there’s more! The Colts were all set to sign Josh McDaniels as their head coach, he’d agreed to it and everything, but Bill Belichick wasn’t about to let that happen. No, he had to shit on the Colts some more, and convinced McDaniels at the last minute to stay, leaving the Colts high and dry, scrambling for a coach. Belichick kept his man, even though McDaniels would have done to Indy what he did to Denver. McDaniels pulled out of his Colts deal faster than Jim Irsay pulls out of a cocaine deal when he thinks the dealer is a DEA agent.
The Colts then hired Frank Reich, and I think they did so just to make Houston and Titans fans mad. Unpack that one, corpse of Bud Adams.
Despite being a perfect example of why trust funds are a bad idea, Jim Irsay is truly a national treasure. He’s basically what would happen if Charlie Sheen owned a football team. But his predecessor as Colts GM was worse. Bill Tobin actually took Mel Kiper seriously, and that’s a huge no-no.
Tobin was ruthless in his treatment of Kiper, who is notably from Baltimore and is probably pretty fucking salty about the Colts being in Indianapolis in the first place. The last time someone treated a journalist that poorly was at the Saudi Arabian embassy in Turkey.
The fact that Bob Irsay moved the Colts to Indianapolis is shocking. It’s the first recorded instance of someone relocating TO Indiana. The state motto of Indiana is “We’re from Indiana, and we’re moving.” There is nothing redeemable about Indiana, a state which considers ranch dressing its own food group. A state which continues to aid and abet a known enemy of the United States- Gary, Indiana. A state which harbors Notre Dame University, which is clearly a plot by the Papists to force NBC to broadcast shitty football games every week. A state which cannot decide which time zone it is in. Indiana looks like the Mongols invaded, took over and then died of boredom. Indiana makes Ohio look like Disneyland.
I would talk about all the players that the Colts have, but I already talked about Andrew Luck. And they can’t even refute that, they have no defense.
I would talk about all the players the Raiders have, but they are all hurt and I’ve been traded to Atlanta for a second-round pick in 2020 and a ham sandwich on rye.
Colts win, 31-19.”