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Raiderdamus’ Wednesday Foretelling: Raiders vs. 49ers

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San Francisco 49ers v Oakland Raiders

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the Quintessential Studmuffin, the man so hot he has to get into the sauna to keep cool, the man who rolls harder than the tree that killed Sonny Bono, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you early today, because the NFL in their infinite wisdom elected to put the two worst teams in the NFL on TV on All Saints’ Day, instead of the actual Saints.

As a result, I’ve had to consult the Great Beyond well in advance of our normal agreed-upon schedule, and I think the Great Old One might be a little cranky. Here is what the Eternal One had to say:

“You again! I see the Raiders lost to the Colts, just as I predicted they would, as if that were a surprise. The best way to turn a team around in the NFL is to get a really good coach and draft exceptionally well. Jon Gruden may or may not be a good coach at the moment, but he’ll get his chance to show how well he can draft come next spring.

The 49ers had a good coach once. Twice, actually. The first time was Bill Walsh, and the Niners got him because the Bengals and Paul Brown were too inept to make him their head coach, preferring instead to sign Marvin Lewis to a 50-year contract. Walsh revolutionized football with San Francisco, employing the West Coast offense with quarterbacks Joe Montana and Steve Young, whom the Buccaneers had given up on after the 1986 season.

Also in 1986, the Bucs screwed Bo Jackson out of playing college baseball, and he refused to play for them. Can you imagine Steve Young and Bo Jackson on the same team? Tampa Bay made more mistakes in 1986 than the LAPD did in 1994. Walsh won four Super Bowls in San Francisco, and is the reason the 49ers are considered a glamour franchise.

It went downhill fast for the 49ers after Young’s retirement due to taking more hits than Bob Marley at Burning Man. Montana and Young were the stuff of legends. Jeff Garcia was the stuff of two cats yowling at each other outside your apartment at 3 a.m. Alex Smith was the stuff of listening to a 13 year old kid tell you over Xbox Live how he fucked your mom. Colin Kaepernick was the stuff of Roseanne singing the national anthem.

But at least during the Kaepernick era, they had a good coach. He was so good in fact, that he absolutely could not get along with 49ers owner Jed York, whose name tells you exactly how smart he is.

Business Leaders Meet In Sun Valley, Idaho For Allen And Co. Annual Conference Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

Just look at that little mustard stain on the Led Zeppelin shirt of humanity. He looks like he is made of soybeans and tax evasion. He looks like a guy who would get shanked by an accountant in the bathroom of a minimum security prison. He shouldn’t be trusted to operate a Ford Taurus, let alone a professional football team. Harbaugh was jettisoned to his alma mater, the University of Michigan, which is famous for being the winningest college football program ever and also the alma mater of Big Poppa Pump, Scott Steiner. Holla if ya hear me. Harbaugh can now do things like this in peace, because everyone at Michigan is just as batshit insane as him.

York is the genius behind the construction of Levi’s Stadium. I’m roasting the Niners right now, but that’s nothing compared to what the stadium itself does to the fans. Here’s some footage from the last Niners day game:

Levi’s Stadium is the second most poorly-planned stadium when it comes to anticipating weather conditions in the country. Its predecessor, Candlestick Park, was the worst. The wind and cold got so bad there, they actually gave out awards for staying til the end of a baseball doubleheader, like you’d just won a war or something.

Eventually, Candlestick ran its course and was replaced, like the first wives of every Silicon Valley tech executive. And in true San Francisco fashion, the city gentrified its own team out of the area and into the suburbs. Like a worker who lives in Lodi and commutes four hours every day to the City, the Niners had to tighten their belts and move to a cheaper area.

And yet, nobody really wants to go to Santa Clara to watch a Niners game. There’s a solution, of course, that the brainiacs who run SF would never consider. Take all the homeless of SF, who have nowhere to live because they don’t make $800K a year, and put them in Levi’s Stadium so they have somewhere to shit that isn’t a public sidewalk. The stadium is used to it by now, because the Niners shit in their Levi’s every Sunday as it is. And Levi’s is a perfect name for the place where the Niners play, but surely they mean women’s jeans, because the Niners don’t have a pocket and they are built around holes.

The 49ers, in the latest of a long series of totally reasonable and prescient personnel decisions, gave Jimmy Garoppolo a $137.5M contract before the beginning of this season. When one considers the cost of living in San Francisco, Jimmy G is making minimum wage. Naturally, Jimmy tore his ACL early this season running out of bounds.

If there’s one thing a rich guy should be comfortable with in San Francisco, it’s white lines, but Jimmy had surgery on his little friend and is out for a long time. Maybe he can use this downtime to date a better class of porn star. Kiara Mia seems like a lovely, flexible young lady and I’m sure her father is very proud, but Stormy Daniels has less wear on the ol’ treads than her.

Since firing Harbaugh, the Niners have gone through coaches Jim Tomsula, Chip Kelly and Kyle Shanahan, who was last seen blowing a massive lead to the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Blowing is celebrated in San Francisco, so he’ll fit right in. The Niners record since firing Harbaugh is a solid 14-42. $14.42 is how much it will cost you to buy a cup of the autumnal full-bodied artisan microbrew Imperial Goatshit Stout IPA at Levi’s, but they will not give you a straw because despite the fact that the team flies everywhere on a private fucking jet they pretend to care about the Earth. Levi’s is the smuggest place on Earth, it’s Disneyland for insufferable douchebags. It costs $12 to get a brandy snifter to fart into. The snifters are free range, organic, and made by co-op free trade conflict-free glass blowers in Tibet.

The 49ers are in a bad way right now, and they’ve never truly recovered from the departure of former owner Eddie DeBartolo, who ‘departed’ football in the same sense that Michael Jordan conveniently ‘departed’ the NBA to go play baseball after he racked up massive gambling debts. DeBartolo was a mobster who abused the salary cap more times than Bill Romanowski has gone to court-ordered anger management classes. The 49ers deserve everything they get for being irresponsible, reckless, incompetent buffoons who have their head so far up their own asses that they can smell their own tonsils.

If there are any Niners fans in here right now who have something to say, I suggest you turn off your computer, cut the power to your house, and wait 30 minutes. Then turn the power back on and maybe you’ll have a comeback.

Raiders win, 30-20.”