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Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chargers

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Oakland Raiders v Los Angeles Chargers Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, your host with the most, from pillar to post with roasts going coast to coast, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today pleased that the Raiders are coming off a huge victory, and hopefully they are poised for another in their home away from home in Los Angeles.

But will they get it? With that question in mind, I’ve once again summoned the Great Beyond to share with us the fate of the Raiders against the Chargers on Sunday. Hear his words, o mortals, and despair:

“You’re back again! The Raiders pulled one out of their hats on Sunday, or rather the referees did. The Raiders have been on the losing end of so many refball games in their history, they were due to win one. Who you got this week? The Chargers? Wait, they still exist? You’re sure? Well okay. Let me start this with a story.

WWE legend The Undertaker wrestled his first Wrestlemania match on March 24, 1991 during Wrestlemania VII. He defeated Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka in a little over four minutes. Every year thereafter, Undertaker would walk into Wrestlemania and walk out the victor. From King Kong Bundy to Sycho Sid to Kane, Shawn Michaels, Edge and Triple H, it didn’t matter. The Undertaker beat them all at Wrestlemania, a huge accomplishment for a man whose first name is “The”. Undertaker was 21-0 at Wrestlemania.

Then came Wrestlemania XXX. Undertaker faced the Beast Incarnate, former UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar, and he lost. The streak was over. Lesnar became the 1 in 21-1. Fans reacted thusly:

On January 13, 2016, Hue Jackson was hired as the head coach of the Cleveland Browns. He lost, and lost, and lost again. Steelers, Ravens, Bengals, Eagles, Dolphins, it didn’t matter. Hue and the Browns lost to them all. Hue was 0-14 going into their Christmas Eve game against the Chargers, which ended like this:

The Chargers lost on a last-second missed field goal, and the reaction from Browns and Chargers fans alike was thus:

The following season, Jackson and the Browns went 0-16. Jackson’s record was 1-31, and the Chargers were that 1. To this very day, the Chargers are one of two teams Jackson has defeated as Browns head coach.

In a way, being a Browns fan is better than being a Chargers fan. At least with the Browns, you know what you’re getting yourself into. They call their stadium the Factory of Sadness for a reason. But with the Chargers, they always look good on paper and then they suck in real life. They get their fans’ hopes up every year only to heartlessly dash them, like parents who tell their kids Santa will bring them a puppy for Christmas, only to tell the kids on Christmas Eve that Santa isn’t real and neither is that farm upstate they supposedly send Ol’ Duke to last spring.

Here is an abridged list of the careers wasted by the Chargers organization without a single Super Bowl ring to show for it:

Lance Alworth
Dan Fouts
Sid Gillman
Charlie Joiner
Ron Mix
Kellen Winslow Sr.
Junior Seau
LaDainian Tomlinson
Lorenzo Neal
Michael Turner
Antonio Gates
Philip Rivers

The list goes on basically forever. The one time they did make it to the Super Bowl, they got there with Captain Concussion, Stan Humphries, a man who by that point couldn’t spell his own name if you showed him an industrial wrench. They played the 1994 49ers, who could have won that game had George Siefert been replaced with a slightly sentient jar of mayonnaise.

In a league whose list of owners includes Daniel Snyder, a man who literally pimps out his team’s cheerleaders, Jerry Jones, who has snorted cocaine off the ass of every hooker in the Metroplex, Mike Brown, who pays his players with coal he converts into diamonds by holding them in his ass cheeks for five minutes, and the entire population of Green Bay, Wisconsin, who have turned diabetes into performance art, Dean Spanos might actually be the worst owner in the NFL. That’s really something special.

It’s no shocker that San Diego didn’t want to pay for a new stadium for Spanos’ team. Spanos looks like a character actor who plays nothing but shitty, sleazy divorce lawyers on TV dramas.

Miami Dolphins v San Diego Chargers Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

Also, Spanos is Greek, which means he’s great at losing other people’s money and then asking for more.

After all this, you may ask yourself, why do the Chargers still have fans? Well, Spanos decided to chase more of other people’s money and move to Los Angeles, and it turns out they actually don’t have fans anymore, because the Chargers don’t deserve them.

For the time being, the Chargers play at the Stubhub Center, which is about half as big as your average high school football stadium in Texas. The best football player who plays at Stubhub Center is Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Orlando City SC v Los Angeles Galaxy Photo by Katharine Lotze/Getty Images

For a team that shares its stadium with a soccer team, you’d think the Chargers might pay more attention to kicking. Of course, they don’t, because they are the Chargers. Their last few kickers include Yunghoe Koo, Roberto Aguayo (yes, really) and Caleb Sturgis. Let’s look at how that went!

I’d love to continue this, but talking about the Chargers has made me tear my ACL and put me on the shelf indefinitely. My backup, the Lesser Beyond, will come in and sound great roasting the Colts and Niners but will disappear against the Chiefs and Ravens.

The Raiders game on Sunday should go something like this:

Raiders win, 31-27.”