We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, a legend in my own time, a legend in my own mind, and the World’s Freshest Man, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. It’s nice to come to you all fresh off a Raiders victory, although whether or not the Raiders are better off for winning that game is a matter of some controversy.
But this week, the Raiders go to Baltimore, and they have quite a challenge ahead of them, as they would even if they ventured slightly north of their destination to play Rutgers. So on that note, I’ve once again consulted with the One Who Knows, the omniscient Great Beyond, so hearken unto his wisdom:
“You’re back! The Raiders finally got back in the Win column last week, and are no longer the worst team in the league. No, that distinction belongs to the team they beat, mostly because they lost to the Raiders. Small victories, right?
So who you got this week? The Ravens? Are they in the AFC West now? No? Well shit, you play them every year so they might as well be. This might not be the best roast in the world, but to Ravens fans, it will be elite.
Baltimore thinks it’s hot shit because the Ravens have won two Super Bowls, but they will always be Kinda The Browns and thus utterly forgettable. They were named for a poem written by a Professional Emo Kid who, if he were alive today, would be a mumble rapper with pink hair.
Quote the Raven, never score.
Actually, that line works for the Ravens offense, their defense, and the love life of all their fans too! Edgar Allan Poe married his cousin, so Maryland clearly takes being on the southern side of the Mason-Dixon Line seriously. They are the Alabama of the Northeast. Roll Chesapeake Tide.
The Ravens don’t just roll Tide, they eat it too.
The City of Bodymore, Murderland is obsessed with crime of all sorts. The character of the city is inexorably tied to the TV show The Wire, which despite being one of the best shows ever, is ultimately about how much of a corrupt crime-ridden shithole Baltimore is. Baltimore is so committed to crime, they got their football team stolen once, and then twenty years later they stole one themselves.
Who are the best defensive and offensive players in Ravens history? I would argue that the answer is Ray Lewis and Jamal Lewis. Ray Lewis is, of course, the man whom the city is proud of because he was only the accomplice to a double murder and not the murderer himself ALLEGEDLY. Ask Buffalo how it feels to have your franchise’s best player be a double murderer.
Ray Lewis went into the Football Hall of Fame but has long been a member of the Hall of Fame of Disingenuous Self-Aggrandizement, and is lionized by Baltimore despite the fact that he clearly stole his pre-game dance routine from Elaine Benes.
Lewis was busted for facilitating a cocaine deal, which occurred three years before he ran for over 2,000 yards. Maybe people think Ray Rice was a better running back, but I think Rice was just a one-hit wonder.
In keeping with the longstanding traditions of Baltimore, people focus on the ALLEGED crimes committed by Lewis, Lewis and Rice and conveniently ignore the fact that Joe Flacco has stolen over $100M from the team. Tiger Woods completes drives better than Flacco, and the 1919 White Sox can throw better than him.
But now that Joe Flacco has collapsed under the weight of his own eyebrows, Lamar Jackson is at the helm for the Ravens. I don’t know which Ravens executive or even CORCH JYAAANNN WHARBARGHHLL HISSELF convinced the others to take Jackson in the first round when they already have a high-priced franchise quarterback, but give that guy a sales commission. That guy could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves. That guy could sell a pneumatic nailgun to Jesus Christ. That’s a guy who knows the only quarterbacking Joe Flacco should be doing is when someone needs change at the Texaco Food Mart.
Lamar Jackson, aka “Heisman Winner Tyrod Taylor”, has had plenty of success in the NFL in his preseason appearances and in his start last week, because NFL coaches are notoriously slow to adapt to changes in the game such as the Wildcat, the Zone Read and that Black Guys Are Fast, which we have all known since Jesse Owens won Olympic medals in front of Hitler and since Jackie Robinson was stealing bases in the 1950s but football coaches only became marginally aware of when Randall Cunningham started playing. In true NFL fashion, the coaches have made no adjustments, instead relying on their all-powerful scheme to overcome the forces of nature and reality itself. American Athletic Conference coaches made plenty of adjustments including spying Jackson and sending pressure to force decisions, but NFL coaches have their heads far too deep into their own asses to consider such trivialities. I mean, none of those things ever stopped Jackson, but at least they TRIED.
NFL coaches will simply blather on about execution, keeping contain, setting the edge and shedding blocks, unable to understand how playing against someone as ridiculously athletic as Lamar Jackson requires you to set your pride aside and try something novel. How many people did Michael Vick embarrass before he ended his own career? It’s not like the genius of any NFL defensive coordinator ever did what Mike Vick killing his own dogs was able to accomplish. Vick made everyone else look stupid, and he was his own final boss.
The problem for Jackson is the fact that he will probably have to do it all himself. The Ravens don’t admit there are receivers in the NFL under the age of 30, and their best running back just hurt his foot. The Ravens have so few weapons, the Baltimore Police Department wouldn’t be able to frame them for murder.
Unfortunately, the Raiders at this point have no receivers at all, and are going to get run over like someone was driving a Mayflower truck at the stadium.
Ravens win, 30-16.”