Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chiefs

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man whose ancestors smile at him, the man who has wares if you have coin, and the man who is innocent of these crimes, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today fresh off another correct prediction of a Raiders loss, a feat which at this point is as easy as wiping the drool from the chin of a Broncos fan.

But this is another week, and we are facing our old arch-nemesis, the Chiefs. We inexplicably have not played them yet this year, meaning there will be two of these articles in the next few weeks. Woe unto thee who read them, and woe unto me who writes them.

I hate to even bother the Great Beyond with a game as seemingly lopsided as this one may be, but I have a duty to uphold, and lo, the Oracle of Wisdom said unto me:

“You’re back! You gotta admit, I called it last week. The Ravens ran over, through, and around the Raiders with ease. Here’s some highlights of the Ravens rushing attack last week:

But hey, maybe things will be better this week! Who you got? The Chiefs? Oh, no. Well, I guess the USA did beat the Soviets in hockey once.

[ANDY REID CALLS TIMEOUT]

This year, the Chiefs are led by quarterback Pat Mahomes, who is lighting up the league with eye-popping stats. I’m shocked that Andy Reid traded UP for Mahomes and didn’t trade down out of the first round. If there’s one thing Andy Reid never passes up, it’s seconds.

But draft Mahomes they did. Here’s footage of Mahomes taking the call from the Chiefs in the Green Room.

It’s not easy being in the Green Room. What’s green and smells like pork? Pat Mahomes’ finger. Speaking of pork, what’s smoked more, Andy Reid’s burnt ends or Andy Reid’s son?

[ANDY REID CALLS HIS SECOND TIMEOUT]

This year, the Chiefs’ offense is explosive, and they are blowing people out on a regular basis. A big part of their offense is WR Tyreek Hill, and that’s not surprising. Tyreek Hill makes it a policy to attack people as early on as possible. The only thing that can catch up to him is an arrest warrant.

Prior to this year’s offensive onslaught, the Chiefs really had trouble moving the ball. They traded Alex Smith away, a man whose arm was so weak his dog refused to play fetch with him because it wasn’t enough exercise. The last time anyone in Missouri gained significant yardage was when they went to war with Kansas for the right to keep slaves in 1855. In fine Missouri tradition, they won the battle but ultimately lost the war, because of patriots.

This year, though, the Chiefs are moving up and down the field. They’re moving so quickly, Andy Reid has to run to keep up with them. The last time Andy Reid ran anywhere, he was chasing Indiana Jones out of his temple.

Mahomes is such a dynamic and transformative player, he’s turned Kansas City into Texas Tech. A few weeks ago in Los Angeles, the Chiefs became the first team in NFL history to score 50 points and lose. Texas Tech did that like six times a year and they still do. Welcome to the Big 12, Chiefs!

[ANDY REID CALLS HIS THIRD AND FINAL TIMEOUT]

Oh dear, it appears as though Coach Reid has used all his timeouts! For the first time in his adult life, Andy Reid can no longer challenge any more roasts.

But even I have to admit, Andy Reid is a far better coach than his predecessors in Kansas City. Romeo Crennel was awful, which might have been expected, considering he pivoted to coaching from a lucrative career as an illicit junk food salesman.

Reid is a natural fit in Kansas City, because they don’t expect you to win a Super Bowl, but they will feed you. Reid likes his barbecue sauce like he likes his waistline:

Winning is entirely optional in Kansas City, as they are a team which has literally NEVER won the trophy named for their own goddamned dead owner. If they want to see a Lamar Hunt Trophy, they need only drive eight hours west to see eight of them in Denver, or four of them in Oakland. The last time the Chiefs won a home playoff game, the Internet did not exist as we know it. The last time the Chiefs went to the Super Bowl, the Vietnam War was still going on and would not end for ANOTHER FIVE YEARS. They beat the Vikings in Super Bowl IV, but hell, anyone can do that!

And so in conclusion, I have only one question to ask.

Chiefs win, 42-19.”