We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider fans! It is I, the man who gets in the sauna to keep cool, the man who goes harder than the tree that murdered Sonny Bono, the man who puts the fun in dysfunction, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful.
While the Raiders are trending up, their opponent this week is most decidedly trending in the opposite direction, and as is my custom I’ve consulted with the Great Old One to determine what will become of our heroes in Silver and Black on Sunday. Here is what the Great Beyond had to say:
“You’re back! That was one hell of a game on Sunday. The Raiders couldn’t quite put the Steelers away on their own, so the Oakland Coliseum had to take matters into its own hands and do it for them, like when a cat brings you a dead bird because it thinks you’re just a shitty hunter. The City of Oakland is suing the Raiders, which puts the stadium in a pretty tough spot, like mom’s taking dad to court or something, but the Coliseum clearly made its choice known on Sunday. Seeing the Coliseum itself beat the Steelers is truly the stuff of legend, and should make every Raider fan proud.
So who do you have this week? The Bengals? Oh, this should be fun. I’m gonna start with the low-hanging fruit, but let’s be honest, everything about the Bengals is low-hanging fruit. So I’m about to roll up on this like Kimo von Oelhoffen.
While it’s true that the Raiders have been the model of suckitude since 2002, the Bengals have held that mantle far longer. The last time they won a playoff game was in 1991. George H.W. Bush was President then, and he literally just died of old age. A quote from the late President describes how the Bengals feel about winning in the postseason.
The last time the Bengals won a playoff game, there were over 150,000 actual Bengal Tigers on Earth. Now there are less than 4,000. Who is killing all these Bengals? I have the answer.
In 1991, three of the greatest grunge albums of all time were released- Nirvana’s Nevermind, Soundgarden’s Badmotorfinger and Pearl Jam’s Ten, while Alice In Chains’ Dirt was released a few months later. In the time since then, those bands have all grown up, and three of the frontmen have killed themselves waiting for the Bengals to win something, anything. Eddie Vedder is very much alive, as he is a Chicago native and had the careers of Michael Jordan, Rex Grossman, Patrick Kane and CM Punk to inspire him to cling to life.
The Indianapolis Colts won the AFC East nine years after the last Bengals playoff win.
In the 1999 Draft, the Bengals turned down a trade from the Saints in the first round, as Saints coach/GM Mike Ditka desperately wanted Ricky Williams. The Washington Indigenous Persons, however, were more than happy to make this trade. Let’s see what Wikipedia says about this trade!
“ No. 5: Washington → New Orleans (D). Washington traded its first-round selection (5th) to New Orleans in exchange for New Orleans’ first-, third-, fourth-, fifth-, sixth-, and seventh-round selections (12th, 71st, 107th, 144th, 179th, and 218th), as well as New Orleans’ 2000 first- and third-round selections (2nd and 64th).”
Hoooooooly shit. So the Bengals didn’t want to do that deal, instead opting to select...
I mean, picking Jawalrus Russell first overall was bad enough, but at least the Raiders didn’t turn down another team’s ENTIRE DRAFT to do so. The Bengals could have traded with the Saints and probably still gotten all the disappointment Akili Smith brought to the table a few picks later. The top ten of that draft included Donovan McNabb, Ricky Williams, Edgerrin James, Torry Holt, Champ Bailey and Chris McAlister. Jevon Kearse was taken 16th.
But, as usual, the Bungles make the wrong choice. They always do. It’s tradition. And that tradition of losing is why the Bengals are not even close to the most popular football team in Ohio. Here’s the football team rankings in the state:
1. Ohio State
2. Cleveland Browns
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
4. Cincinnati FC
5. Cincinnati Bengals
As bad as the Browns have been, they at least have a future. And they have more fans too. The Browns went 0-16 last year, but they had more attendance to their home games thn=an the Bengals by a total of 10,000 people. The Bengals’ only solace is that they are the most popular football team in their home state of Kentucky.
The Bengals’ total lack of popularity stems greatly from their owner, Mike Brown, who is such a shitheel scumbag that if Paul Brown were alive today he’d get an expansion team awarded to him just so he could beat the shit out of the team who plays in a stadium named after him and owned by his own son.
In keeping with his penny-pinching oeuvre of total dedication to mediocrity, Mike Brown has the most nondescript and unglamorous coach and quarterback tandem ever assembled. The coach is, of course, Marvin Lewis, and this roast is so vicious that he will immediately be given a two-year extension.
This is how Marvin Lewis looks when he’s winning. It’s also how he looks when he’s losing. It’s how he looks when someone asks him who Kid Cudi is. It’s how he looked at the birth of his children. It’s how he looks when his wife asks him if she looks fat in that dress. It’s how he looks when the Kentucky Highway Patrolman asks him how fast he was going, and did he know he was clocked going 74 MPH behind a funeral procession for someone Pacman Jones just shot in a nightclub. It’s how he’ll look in 2055, when Cyborg Marvin Lewis stands in unblinking, stoic watch over the Bengals’ sideline in beautiful St. Michael Brown Memorial Stadium. He looks like the love child of Rev Run and George Soros.
The quarterback is equally unimpressive, a soulless husk of a man who is quite literally the line of demarcation between good quarterbacks and bad ones, a man who should be known for his arm but instead is known for his hair. Andy Dalton’s curly red locks ought to be mussed by his helmet, but are perfect every time. Here’s footage of Dalton every gameday morning ensuring his hair has the proper volume to maintain integrity in the Midwestern climate.
The Bengals’ best player is probably receiver AJ Green, but he plays like a man possessed by the demon of osteoporosis, almost always nicked up by one thing or another.
So really, their best offensive weapon is Joe Mixon “It Up With A Girl At A Restaurant”. Mixon is explosive, hard-hitting, and packs quite the punch up the middle. He should be in stripes for a long time to come, maybe even after his career is over.
Even though they already had Andy Dalton, the Bengals spent a fourth-rounder on AJ McCarron a few years ago. Hah! Who would spend a draft pick to get AJ McCarron when you already have a starting quarterback? What a bunch of rubes.
Cincinnati Skyline Chili is an abomination unto God and must be purged from this Earth. It is a work of Satan himself and an affront to God’s gift of taste buds. I haven’t seen a Skyline this tragic since two planes crashed into one.
And now that I’ve ensured Marvin Lewis will get a lifetime contract without the possibility of parole, I should end this message now. Especially since I see Vontaze Burfict coming right for me. Where’s Joey Porter when I need him?
Raiders win, 26-20.”