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Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Broncos

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Denver Broncos v Los Angeles Raiders Photo by George Rose/Getty Images

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the penny in your couch cushion, the Cheeto dust on your fingertips, the stray onion ring in your Burger King fries, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today saddened not only by the Raiders, but by the fact that this may in fact be the final football game ever played at the mighty and decrepit Oakland Coliseum, a place as much a part of my childhood as I’m sure it was all of yours.

The one thing that cheers up this old hermit is the fact that everyone will be spending Christmas with their families, which means fewer interlopers to bother me in my cave. The Raiders will play their game on Monday night, Christmas Eve, against hated division rival the Denver Broncos. Surely it will be a game and an experience that will never be forgotten. The Coliseum may be a shithole, but by God it is OUR shithole, and the pain of losing it will only be partially negated when the Raiders have their own new stadium with blackjack and hookers.

But enough wistfulness, I have a job to do, and the Great Beyond has not neglected his duty this week. He has a very important Christmas Eve message for you all:

“Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Town
The fans were all dressed up like demonic clowns.
Their makeup was done on their faces with care
To frighten the Donkeys, who soon would be there.

The crowd was all nestled and snug in their seats
Drinking eight dollar Bud Lights and eating smoked meats.
The spirit of Christmas was alive for the day
As a small child yelled out, “Hey fuck you, Elway!”

When on the gridiron there arose such a shout
Jared Cook had got free on a ten-yard out route!
He raced toward the end zone, the defense in tow
Chris Harris blew a hamstring and was painfully slow.

Case Keenum was helpless, getting sacked by the Raiders
So enraptured was he by the great Violator.
Vance Joseph was fired by Smellway at halftime
Undone by the ladder he’d too quickly climbed.

Derek Carr threw for 300 yards and three scores
While Keenum and Lindsay were nothing but bores.
Hurst, Conley and Karl had all won the day
Vance was tossed from a ‘copter right into the Bay.

This last game in Oakland was artful and lit
While Donks fans all over had a conniption fit.
Fans of the Silver and Black were in heaven
As disappointment was felt by Old Number Seven.

After the game, such a sight in the sky
As Santa and his reindeer flew right on by!
He tossed down some presents and said “Ho Ho Ho!
Merry Christmas to all, and fuck the Broncos!”

Raiders win, 29-19.”