We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the cream of the crop, the madness, and the man stuck unjustifiably in a position I’d rather not be in, the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful, oooh yeeeeahhh, dig it!
I come to you today fresh off a correct prediction of a Raider victory over the decrepit, pathetic, good-for-nothing Broncos, who came into Oakland a sorry, sad lot of losers and left in the very same state. But we have now reached the end of the line, Week 17, and since the Raiders will not make the playoffs that means this will be the last Foretelling until September 2019. Take heart, however, because the Great Raiderdamus always goes out with a bang.
Words cannot truly express how proud I am of the Raiders for their effort displayed in Monday night’s game and for the way they completely pantsed Denver on national television and in front of their home fans in Oakland, perhaps for the last time. It was their finest hour this season, but there is yet one more game to go. This one is to be played in the very Barbecue Pit of Hell, Kansas City’s Arrowhead Stadium, and the Raiders will try to ensure that the hated rival Chefs will not get home field advantage throughout the playoffs, as if it will matter.
In order to determine the outcome of this game, I have for the final time this year summoned up the Great Beyond to seek his wisdom. Here is the message he bestowed upon me:
“You’re back! What a performance the Raiders had on Monday. Once again, the Raiders made the Broncos quit. John Elway was in the booth wearing his OJ Simpson Isotoner gloves, and frankly I’m shocked that Vance Joseph made it through the end of that game alive, much less employed. Nothing the Black Hole fans could have yelled at Vance would have come close to the pejoratives thrown his way from noted asshole Elway. If he treats wait staff at his restaurants like trash, imagine what he says to his own coaches whose teams give up on them?
So who you got this week? The Chefs? Oh, man, let me tell you. In my younger days, I knew a girl from Kansas City. I can assure you, the only ones who suck in that town are the Chefs. However, Kansas City is a slightly less dangerous tailgating experience than Oakland. Nobody will pick a fight with you there. The only damage done in the Arrowhead parking lot is self-inflicted.
It’s great to see Chefs safety Eric Berry back on the field. The KC defense looks completely lost without him. Berry is a tough guy who has beaten cancer. However, if he had fought cancer in the Wild Card Round of the playoffs, cancer would have come back from a halftime deficit to win 34-31.
When a Raider fan wakes up on gameday, he chooses between Patron, Don Julio or Jose Cuervo. When a Chefs fan wakes up on gameday, he has at least six neighbors he can choose to sell meth to, and the choice of which of his four teeth to brush. To come down from his meth high, he pops in the DVD of the 2014 World Series Game 7.
The Chiefs had better hope the Texans don’t meet them in the playoffs. KC has made losing to AFC South teams in the playoffs an art form.
What are the odds of two plays like that even happening in the same universe, much less happening to the same team, much less both plays happening in the playoffs? In sports jargon, that’s called being snakebitten. Chiefs fans, if you ever wanted proof that God hates you, first of all look out your window at Missouri, there’s proof number one. Secondly, there are these two plays.
Now, all Chefs fans know that the Chefs have made it their practice to have great running backs but terrible quarterback and receiver play. One of the great running backs in Chefs history is the Nigerian Nightmare, Christian Okoye. Here’s an example of what Okoye was capable of:
Defenders simply bounce off Okoye as if he were wearing the armor of Achilles. But, notice who the Chefs quarterback is. It’s Steve DeBerg, whose career accomplishments range somewhere between “shit” and “dick”. This was the era of Derrick Thomas and Neil Smith. The Chefs should have been great. Instead, they sucked, because they never had a quarterback who wasn’t the 63-year old husk of Joe Montana. And do not speak to me of Steve Bono, nor of the 1998 People Magazine World’s Sexiest Athlete, Elvis Grbac. The Chiefs once literally started Tyler Fucking Thigpen because he was their best option.
But now the Chefs have a quarterback, a legitimate one, a newly minted member of the Rex Grossman Fuck It I’m Going Deep Club, Mr. Air Raid, Patrick Mahomes. He is no jabroni like Thigpen, or Bono, or DeBerg, or Tyler Palko, or Pat Barnes, or Trent Green, or Dave Krieg, or Chase Daniel, or Matt Cassel, or Brodie Croyle, or Damon Huard. Chefs fans may throw these names into the Sea of Unremembrance, but the Great Beyond will not, so kiss my ass.
Pat Mahomes is a tremendous talent, and a tough player. He isn’t afraid to make a mistake, and then do the same risky shit that led to that mistake over and over again. He takes after Jets legend Brett Favre in that regard. Here’s a look at Mahomes watching film of Favre, looking for inspiration:
Part of Mahomes’ success is the many weapons he had at his disposal. I say had, because he now has one less than he used to. Tyreek Hill is still inexplicably on the team, but Kareem Hunt is not, because beating up your pregnant girlfriend is perfectly fine while kicking a random and possibly racist thot is beyond the pale. Travis Kelce is a fine player as well, but he’s basically just Jared Allen on offense and he will never be as good as Tony Gonzalez. Will Kelce win more playoff games than Gonzalez did as a Chief, which is zero? Time will tell.
But it won’t be this year, because the Chiefs have literally the most dogshit defense imaginable, and they struggle when facing a legitimate defense (Rams, Chargers, Ravens). Guess what sort of teams are in the playoffs? Teams with legitimate defenses. Whoops! Sorry Chiefs. Back to your regularly scheduled mediocrity.
The Raiders showed the fleetest glimpse of a legitimate defense against Denver, but Denver does not have a functional offense while Kansas City has one of the best. Oakland will have to take advantage of the fact that the Chefs couldn’t defend their way out of a paper bag. Still, though, KC has something to play for, and if they don’t get the top seed in the AFC, the fuckin’ Patriots will. Pick your poison.
Chiefs win, 36-30.”