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Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Steelers

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Pittsburgh Steelers v Los Angeles Raiders Photo by George Rose/Getty Images

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the itch you can’t scratch, the song in your head that won’t stop playing, and the burnt cheese on your plate of macaroni, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today off a successful prediction of a Raiders loss, although it was not quite as bad as expected. The Raiders really put up a fight and they never rolled over.

But today is another home game, and this one’s against another one of the Raiders’ ancient rivals. Once again I have consulted with the Great Beyond to uncover the results of the upcoming game. Here is the message I have received:

“You’re back again! I imagine you’re feeling better about the Raiders this week. So who you got? The Steelers? Wow, really playing the hits this season. Let’s get it on.

How many Steeler fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Sixteen. One to change the bulb, five to wave a stupid piss-colored towel while the first guy changes the bulb, and ten to call talk radio and bitch about how light bulbs were better in the 1970s and didn’t need to be changed as often because they were manufactured in America, God dammit.

The city of Pittsburgh has 446 bridges, just enough to accomodate the mass amounts of people constantly trying to escape the city. I don’t know if they’re trying to get away from the bad food, the ugly women, or Ben Roethlisberger’s penis.

Speaking of Roethlisberger, if he wants to put his snake in some plumbing in a bathroom, he should come to Oakland and do it. Maybe we wouldn’t have so much waste spilling onto the field.

Losing your virginity is a lot like watching the Steelers play. You think it’s gonna be great, but Ben Roethlisberger just makes it painful. Ben always cries after sex, but that’s because of the pepper spray.

Star running back James Conner is a true hero and he survived a horrible disease and is living his dream, but he won’t play this week due to injury. Even he couldn’t make it through a whole season in the black and gold, because the Steelers are a far worse cancer than anything he faced in college.

I don’t think I need to remind any of you what happened to the Steelers last Sunday night. They have a penchant for pulling defeat from the jaws of victory, but the way they did it on Sunday was a special snowflake in the annals of Pathetic Steelers Choke Jobs.

Ever the stoic, here was Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin’s reaction to the debacle against the Chargers:

The funny part of what the Steelers did isn’t that they were offsides. No, it’s the fact that the third time they were offsides in a row, they were SO offsides the player missed the block entirely and the kick was good. The ref said, “Penalty declined, fuck this, the game is over, we’re going home, someone get me a Yuengling.”

That game marks the only time since opening Heinz Field that the Steelers lost at home after leading in the second half by 14 points. That sort of defensive incompetence is more or less par for the course for the Steelers these days, and their fans hate it, and it’s hilarious. Steeler fans are real salt of the Earth, defense wins championships type of people. You know, morons. They think the Steelers invented defense in 1971. That’s a high level of acumen to attribute to a city which doesn’t even know how to cook a steak.

On Thursday night, the Jacksonville Jaguars lost to the Titans, 30-9, and the game wasn’t that close. But that was largely the same team that defeated the Steelers in the playoffs last year. The Steelers are the reason Blake Bortles got a huge extension. The Steelers got crushed worse than Ryan Shazier’s back. And in honor of him, this year their defense has chosen to not run until Shazier can. What a show of solidarity. Shazier’s injury was a tragedy of course, but the human body can only take so long of being the only player on your side of the ball who gives a shit. Shazier has recently begun walking on his own, and maybe the Steelers’ defense will regain their faculties soon as well.

Steeler fans are very proud of the organization’s class and tradition and the “Rooney Way,” but conveniently forget that the Rooney Way gave them Bubby Brister, Mike Tomczak and Tommy Maddox before Roethlisberger fell into their laps. Maddox was far better for Los Angeles’ XFL team than he was for the Steelers, and if there’s any justice in this world, the Steelers will go 1-15 for the next two seasons and be relegated down to the XFL in 2020, British soccer style. Even that won’t be justice for their theft of Super Bowl 40 from the Seahawks, who deserved better.

Super Bowl XL Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

The Steelers are frauds. They are virulent cheating bastards who walk around like they’re the football version of Gandhi. The Immaculate Reception was incomplete, but the refs were too afraid of their troglodyte mouth-breathing fans that they didn’t call it. The Steelers watered down their own field into swamp conditions so the Raider receivers couldn’t run fast. The Steelers are worth less than a questionable stain on a dead hooker’s underwear. The Steelers’ owner has a rule named after him, the Rooney Rule, and everyone thinks he’s some fucking saint for interviewing black people when Al Davis did the same thing 40 years earlier and nobody gave a shit. Meanwhile the Steelers’ starting quarterback is Boltok the Town Rapist and he will be their QB until the greyscale that infects his dong spreads to the rest of his body and renders him totally immobile, at which point he will merely stand in the pocket and still throw for 3,000 yards like Dan Marino with gout. Here’s footage of Ben having ‘consent’ explained to him:

The Raiders can win this game, they just have to be careful not to trip up against Pittsburgh.

At this point, the obstacles the Steelers will put in Oakland’s way may yet be too much to overcome.

Steelers win, 31-27.”