Greetings, Raider Nation! Raiderdamus is here a little early this season, as the schedule has just been released and we now know who, where, and when the Raiders will be playing in the upcoming season. I will not be consulting the Great Beyond today, but will venture to guess the Raiders’ final record on my own without any assistance from any supernatural being. My results may vary.
So let’s begin at the beginning! All of this is being considered without regard to any injuries suffered in camp or the quality of the Raiders’ 2018 draft class, so what I say and what the Great Beyond will reveal in a few months may be vastly different.
Week 1 vs. Rams
The Raiders open up on Monday Night Football against the smart choice to represent the Super Bowl in the NFC. Oakland looked like a Pop Warner team in the preseason last year against the Rams, who are simply too good to ignore. The Rams win this one.
Week 2 at Broncos
To give you an idea of how disastrous this offseason has been for Denver, they first decided not to fire their buffoon of a head coach and their marquee free agent signing has been a punter. Is this supposed to excite their fans and get them hyped for another season of painful mediocrity?
Week 3 at Dolphins
The Dolphins weren’t that great last year, and then they got rid of their two best players, Jarvis Landry and Ndamukong Suh. Nothing about Miami should scare anyone. They need to tear it down and start over. Raiders shouldn’t have much trouble here, and go 2-1 for the season.
Week 4 vs. Browns
The only way the Raiders are going to have problems in this game is if they can’t find the field from their locker rooms. Since this game is in Oakland, I don’t foresee that happening. Hello Cleveland! We love ya!
Week 5 at Los Angeles Chargers of South-Central Milpitas
The Chargers are known to do really dumb things like lose to the 2016 Browns, giving Hue Jackson his only win as Browns coach, but they always play the Raiders tough. I see the Bolts winning this one, bringing Oakland’s record to 3-2.
Week 6 vs. Seahawks in London
This will be a tough week of travel, but the Seahawks have gotten considerably worse from last season, a year in which they weren’t that good to begin with. Russell Wilson will try to win this one by himself, as he will have to with every game this year, but I think Oakland is up to the task. The Raiders take a 4-2 record into their bye week and they will have to feel pretty good about that.
Week 7 vs. BYE
The Raiders are undefeated all-time against BYE, and will win handily.
Week 8 vs. Colts
Andrew Luck is supposed to play, but who knows? He is made of papier-mache and could be out with a strained aorta or something. The Colts are garbage apart from him, and they might be even with him.
Week 9 at 49ers
Jimmy Garoppolo is undefeated as a starting quarterback in his professional career, and the Raiders get their first look at him on Thursday Night Football live from Levi Damien Field at Seth Rollins Stadium. This seems like a letdown game for Oakland, and I think the Niners take this one, bringing the Raiders’ season mark to 5-3.
Week 10 vs. Chargers
The Raiders will be out to avenge their earlier defeat at the hands of the Chargers and should dominate this game. The Bolts should be missing half their starting lineup due to injury by this point in the year. Raiders stand at 6-3.
Week 11 at Cardinals
The Cardinals have Sam Bradford on their team now, for some reason. Who is third on the Cardinals’ depth chart? The Raiders really need some film on that guy. Raiders win and go to 7-3.
Week 12 at Ravens
Why we gotta play the Ravens again? They might as well join our division at this point. I see Bodymore, Murderland holding serve at home. Raiders fall to 7-4.
Week 13 vs. Chefs
At this point in the season, Patrick Mahomes should have 24 touchdowns and 308 interceptions. Kareem Abdul-Hunt will have 1300 yards and 11 touchdowns, and the Chiefs’ defense will be allowing 27 points per game. This could be a shootout, but the Raiders win at home and move to 8-4.
Week 14 vs. Steelers
Pittsburgh is one of the most dangerous teams in the league when healthy. However, they are never healthy together and most certainly will not be healthy in Week 14. LeVeon Bell will still be bitching about money and the Steelers will be starting a QB with two last names after Big Ben gets pounded into dust by the Ravens. Raiders win and go to 9-4.
Week 15 vs. Bengals
Cincinnati is bad, very bad, and Marvin Lewis may be fired at this point in the year. We took their defensive coordinator and many of their good players. Just 10-4, baby!
Week 16 vs. Broncos
As a Christmas gift, the Raiders give the Broncos a can of whoop-ass. The Broncos should be starting a rookie quarterback at this point in the year and John Elway will begin training for the 2019 Kentucky Derby.
Week 17 at Chefs
The Raiders will end their season with their time-honored and traditional loss in Kansas City. Oakland should win the division with a record of 11-5, and the Chiefs may go on to their time-honored and traditional loss in the Wild Card round.
So there you have it, folks! The Great Raiderdamus predicts a season record of 11-5. That may seem optimistic to some of you, but if we Raider fans didn’t have any pie in the sky hopes and dreams, we’d succumb to crippling alcoholism and become Vikings fans.
What’s your prediction for Raiders record this season?
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