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Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Dolphins

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NFL: Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man of the hour, the tower of power too sweet to be sour, with the highest brainpower sending my haters to the showers, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful.

The Raiders took a tough loss in a difficult place to play last week at Denver, but they’ll get another shot to get in the win column this weekend at Miami. As is my custom, I’ve summoned the Great Beyond, who even after all these years has nothing better to do, to tell us the outcome of the Raiders-Dolphins game. Here is what the Great Old One had to say. Behold his wisdom, mortals, with fear and trepidation:

“You’re back again! Quite the meltdown by the Raiders last week. Jon Gruden spent so much time in the second half of games in the last ten years trying to figure out which player being a Gruden Grinder would be the most kitsch, that he forgot there were four quarters in a game. Let’s hope he remembers soon.

Who you got this week? Miami? It’s supposed to be warm there, but it’s probably good the Raiders are wearing their black jerseys in this game. Miami is now one of the coldest places in the world, having been in New England’s shadow since 2001.

The last time Miami was relevant was for this:

Much like the Raiders, the Dolphins are a once-great franchise which has fallen on hard times. Since the last time they won a Super Bowl, every single Star Wars movie was released. There are more Super Bowl rings in Russia than on the hands of Dolphins players. The Marlins won two World Series while the Heat won three NBA Championships. The last time they won a playoff game, Bill Clinton was president and CDs were a new technology. The top album was Nirvana’s Nevermind, and Ryan Tannehill was four years old, wetting his bed on the regular. At that time, only his mom saw him do that, but now he does it every week in front of 40,000 people.

Miami drafted a wide receiver from Texas A&M to be their quarterback, and to this day they keep expecting him to ‘break out’ and become a top passer. The only thing Ryan Tannehill is going to break is his leg, and the only time he has ever or will ever break out is in seventh grade before he got his shipment of Proactiv.

Miami Dolphins v Buffalo Bills Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images

The Dolphins have a history of great players, none better than Dan Marino, who might be the most naturally talented quarterback who ever lived. Marino gave his heart, soul, and Achilles tendon to the Dolphins organization, and the very last game of his career ended with a 62-7 playoff loss to the Jaguars. Dan Marino has spent his later years hocking Isotoner gloves and weight-loss programs, and has missed the embarrassment of having his home stadium named for a company owned by this man:

Jimmy Buffett and Cast of Escape to Margaritaville Celebrate Broadway Opening Photo by Noam Galai/Getty Images for Escape To Margaritaville

If there are two things that scream “I don’t give a fuck” they are Jimmy Buffett and Dolphins football. Jimmy sings songs about dropping everything and having a beer, while the Dolphins make all their fans want to leave at halftime and drown themselves in the ocean. It’s five o’clock everywhere when you’re dead.

Of course, the Dolphins haven’t had an easy time of it, stuck in a division with the Patriots. The only people more efficient than the Patriots at killing dolphins are Japanese fishermen. But the Dolphins have really tried to keep up, and a few years ago drafted this man to be their left tackle of the future:

I’m not trying to say that the Dolphins leaked the video of Laremy Tunsil hotboxing himself with weed on purpose so they could draft him, but nobody has benefited that much from a gasmask since World War 1. Wake up, sheeple!

Drafting is all well and good, but to be a quality team you have to hold on to quality players. In the last few years, the following people have left Miami:

Jay Ajayi
Jarvis Landry
Olivier Vernon
Ndamukong Suh
Brent Grimes’ wife

Suh might be the biggest loss here. When you have an elite pass rusher, you have to do whatever you can to hold onto them. Good pass rushers are hard to find!

With the loss of Ajayi, the Dolphins’ running game consists of Kenyan Drake and the reanimated husk of Frank Gore, who predates the Flood and keeps himself alive by absorbing the essences of 4,500 Cuban asylum-seekers every month. On the ninth day, God created Frank Gore, and saw that he was good. Frank Gore does not just have a lunch pail mentality, he literally invented the lunch pail. Before Frank, we just used bags or dried-out cow stomachs or whatever.

It’s hard to picture Frank Gore as a Dolphin, because it really isn’t a ‘gritty intangibles fullback manball’ type of place ever since Larry Csonka ascended to Heaven on a chariot made of Moustache Afficionado magazines. Now it’s more of a ‘let’s do cocaine on camera and run our boat into those rocks over there’ type of place. A “say hello to my little friend” type of place.

The Dolphins, being an East Coast team, are often shipped over to the UK for games. The last time the Raiders played the Dolphins in England, they got beaten so badly they fired Dennis Allen, and they should have given him the full William Wallace treatment. But the Dolphins are so boring that the Brits would rather start another war over heroin in China than go see another Dolphins game.

The Dolphins are boring, yes, but they’re also ruthlessly efficient, and are almost always better than they seem against bad competition. Ryan Tannehill kinda sucks, but he’s never bad in the way Nathan Peterman is, he’s bad in the Andy Dalton way where he tries to do too much and isn’t quite as good as his brain and the quality of his wife tells him he is.

Even though the Dolphins don’t have a ton of weapons on offense, they do have a pretty good line and a fierce defense with quality edge rushers and linebackers. They should be able to hold serve at home, if just barely.

Dolphins win, 23-21.”