We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the Sultan of Sages, the Poobah of Prognostication, the father of foresight and the Prince of Prophets, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today fresh off a successful and correct prediction of a Raiders loss, and though I am upset by this development, I am also exultant and reveling in the fact that I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain.
This week, the Raiders host the Browns, who are fresh off a victory over the hapless Jets. The Browns are a fascinating team, in that they appear to have talent but are coached by Hue Jackson, who has made a career of wasting the careers of men far more worthy than he. What will win out, the Browns’ ability to play, or Hue’s ability to grasp defeat from the jaws of glory?
Anyway, enough of what I have to say, None of you are here to listen to me. You are all here to hear what the Great Beyond has for us all this week. Prostrate yourselves, mortals, and hearken to his words:
“You’re back! i see the Raiders lost again, and I also know there were many who disagreed with me. They have the luxury of being wrong without damaging their reputation. But crow must be eaten eventually. Who do you got this week? The Browns? Shit, we do this every year. Do you know how tiresome it is to talk shit about Ohio every year? There are only so many diabetes jokes in the world.
When we talk about the futility of the Browns, we must begin with their coach, Hue Jackson. This is a man who has turned falling up into performance art, and suffered more crushing losses along the way than Napoleon in Russia in 1812. But the Browns aren’t even the best team in Ohio who refuses to fire their coach.
The difference is, the last time Jim Brown committed domestic abuse, he wasn’t actually employed by the Browns, so nobody had to cover for him. It took a Watergate-level cover up for Zach Smith to remain employed at Ohio State. Fuck you, Buckeyes, I hope Penn State beats your shitheel asses by 50 points tomorrow and every year until the end of time, you’re no better than they are and you fucks never get to take the high road on anything ever again. Eat shit.
This offseason, the Browns added an assload of talent to their roster. They upgraded multiple position groups and the coaching staff. But their best move was addition by subtraction, as they finally got rid of longtime Brown, Owen Sixteen.
Indeed, the Browns failed to win a game last year. When you take all the Ws away from the Browns, they become the Brons. Now that there are no more Brons in Cleveland, the team can finally get its W back.
The winningest quarterback in the Browns’ stadium is Ben Roethlisberger, who plays for the Steelers. Longtime Brown cornerback Joe Haden finally got a playoff win last year, for the Steelers.
Many teams in the NFL have cool and iconic logos. The Raiders have the shield. The Cowboys have the star. The Jaguars have a cat head drawn by someone who has clearly never seen a jaguar. But the Browns are the only team whose logo is their own helmet, because they are the one team which must constantly remind fans that they are a football team and not just an extended practical joke on the people of Ohio.
Playing the Browns in September is weird, Usually, the only time they’re relevant is from February to May and then they see their shadow and there’s six more weeks of winter. But this year, they have the distinction of getting a win in Week 3. Winning two weeks in a row is highly unlikely for the Browns, as the last time they won in consecutive weeks was November of 2014.
Normally, the Browns make their fans extremely excited about only one thing- alcohol. But this time, they made their fans excited about Bud Light, and that should be a federal offense,
When the city of Cleveland lost their team in the mid-90s, they had a golden opportunity to finally rid themselves of the Browns stench for all time. They could perhaps have not sought a new football team at all. Instead, being the stubborn nihilistic syphilitics that they are, they brought back the Browns, which was the least appropriate name for the new team. They should have named them the Cleveland Bye Weeks, because that’s what every team who played them got.
The Browns’ most dangerous offensive player of the last decade was Josh Gordon, who is just like any other Ohioan- drug-addled and battling serious mental illness until he finally gets out of Ohio altogether and becomes a productive member of society. Godspeed, Josh.
So pathetic are the Browns that their very name is a reference to shit. “Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl” is a euphemism for emptying one’s bowels, which is similar to the product the team puts on the field. They should give up their team website, for their inability to string three Ws together.
The reason the Browns still have so many dedicated fans is because there are no distractions in Ohio from football, abject failure, or some combination thereof. In Los Angeles or Miami, you can go to the beach and see many beautiful women, or enjoy the local nightlife. In Ohio, night means wolf attacks, and the women have a thick layer of blubber and facial hair to survive the harsh Ohio winter, marked by lake effect winds and heavy snow.
Ohio is a disgusting, vile place with a distinct smell that sets it apart from the surrounding areas, full of people who want nothing more to leave or die but cannot. It is the Bakersfield of America. It is where all the sins of mankind have come to fester, and the Browns are Ohio’s punishment for their continued existence.
You deserved this, Ohio. You are an affront to God, and the worst that humanity has to offer. You make Missouri look like Hawaii. You mock good sense and statistics. You used analytics and went 0-16, worse than the year where you based your draft strategy on the advice of a crazy homeless person.
The one championship you have is in basketball, which is not a real sport as it can be played by shifty South Americans and spineless Europeans, and you will never, ever win one again in anything. Cleveland, you cannot even win “Worst City”, because Gary, Indiana is right there, closer to Chicago than you will ever be, and it kills you to know that,
Enjoy your brief moment of glory right now, right this fucking instant, Cleveland, because this is as good as it gets. You all know how this story ends. The most Browns thing imaginable would be for the Browns to offer you the slightest glimmer of hope and then rattle off ten straight losses, like the pretty girl in Safeway who smiled at you and you never saw her again, even though you built elaborate fantasies in your mind about how it would go if you asked her out but were too chickenshit to do so.
You will watch this game in your underwear and weep for what might have been, because you do not deserve any hope. You are wretched enough to remain Browns fans after what they have done to you. There is no shelter for battered NFL fans, there is only selling out and putting on a Steelers jersey, and suffering through a second-round playoff loss to the Patriots. You call this pride and loyalty; I call it the folly of a town whose identity is Stockholm Syndrome.
Despite all this, the Browns are actually playing well at this time. It clearly won’t last, but the Raiders look so lost in the second half at this point that the Browns may actually pull this one off. They may have so much talent that even a hack like Hue Jackson can’t ruin it.
Browns win, 29-27.”