We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the Alpha, the Omega, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, your hero and your paragon of virtue, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. After months of slumber, I have once again summoned the almighty Great Beyond, who knows all, and instead of using his powers of prognostication to benefit mankind, I choose to use them to find out the outcomes of football games. Surely, I am a great humanitarian.
Today I begin my eighth consecutive season of summoning up the Great Beyond and consulting him regarding the fate of the Raiders. It’s been a long and prosperous run, mostly full of predicting a bad team to lose, and I’m glad we all get to continue to share it together.
I know you are all here wishing for some ado, but I have to disappoint you all, because we shall dispense with any further ado and present to you the message that was given to me this week by the Great Beyond himself. Reflect on it, o mortals, and tremble.
“You again! How many years in a row have you harassed me every week, wanting to know the fate of your bumbling pirate crew? I suppose it is a respite from my boredom, all they have up here to watch is reruns of Doogie Howser M.D. Hurr durr I am very smart but don’t know how to deal with women, I am so unique and deep, watch me keep a diary on my Apple II and write about life lessons I learned from my rich parents and my token Italian peasant friend.
Looks like a new season has started! You fired your coach? Well that’s okay, he wasn’t very good. Wait, you hired the loudmouth from Monday Night Football? Oh boy. I bet that’s a circus. You traded who now? And you’re playing who on Monday Night Football to open the year?
That all sounds dismal. But let’s talk about the Rams for a minute. The team is owned by Stan Kroenke, who looks like Jeff Fisher had sex with Ted Turner.
Kroenke manages to be the most unlikable owner in the NFL, which is remarkable, as that’s a list that includes Jed York, Jerry Jones, Dean Spanos, Jeffrey Lurie, Robert Kraft, and Jim Irsay.
Mr. Kroenke came into his vast fortune by being a slum lord and marrying the heiress to the Wal-Mart fortune that looked the most like Nancy Grace.
The Rams left Los Angeles the first time in 1994, and nobody noticed. They won a Super Bowl in St. Louis, and nobody watched because they were playing the Titans, a team most NFL fans couldn’t identify in a police lineup. Then they returned to Los Angeles a few years ago, to the delight of no one whatsoever.
The Rams are, if you think about it, the perfect American success story. They came from the Midwest to the bright lights of Los Angeles and managed to pursue their lifelong dream of being the first extra killed in the NFL Playoffs. They got to their position by going down repeatedly in ways they regretted the next day.
To say that the Rams are an afterthought in Los Angeles would be a mild understatement. Here are the most popular teams in LA:
But Kroenke, who is so fabulously rich that he wipes his own ass with the Dead Sea Scrolls, also owns the Colorado Avalanche and Arsenal FC. He is used to owning the least popular professional team in its own city.
The fortune brought to the NFL by Kroenke, who bought the Rams many years ago from strung-out rodeo clown Georgia Frontiere, was the impetus for placing the Rams in Los Angeles to begin with, as they are building their own stadium with Sam Walton’s money. If Walton were alive today to know he was financing a team as shitty as the Rams, he’d be so angry he’d probably whip a few more underage Chinese sweatshop workers, and all those Faded Glory labels would be stained.
But to make the deal work, the Rams had to share their new palatial estates with a team even less popular than they, which was a tall order considering the negative four people who give two shits about the Rams. The Raiders, being arguably the second most popular team in the world, were right out. But luckily, someone else was more than happy to fill the void.
In order to draw eyes to their product and distract potential viewers from their normal day-to-day schedule of tax evasion, recreational drug use and senseless gang violence, the Rams went on a massive spending spree this free agency period. They brought in three megastars on defense- Ndamukong Suh, Aqib Talib and Marcus Peters. Because we all know that discipline, fair play and abiding by the rules of football were all things that held the Rams back last year. Will the Rams have more personal fouls than first downs this year?
The last time someone paid that much money for that much trouble, Khloe Kardashian had to come wake his dumb ass up from a three day coma.
But this year, Los Angeles has brought in one real winner, one man who has tasted championship gold, a man who knows how to win when the rest of his team isn’t up to par. Los Angeles is now home to one of the greatest of all time.
The Rams team is led by former Gruden disciple Sean McVay, seen here with girlfriend Veronka Khomen:
I tried to find an unflattering picture of McVay, I really did. They don’t exist. The man is a Greek god, with the jawline of Horatio Hornblower and the physique of Lex Luger. Even in high school, he looked like the platonic Prom King. His issue is that no matter how much facial hair he grows, he still looks like he gets a lollipop every time he goes to the bank and he has to sit on a phonebook when the barber cuts his hair. And he still gets that godawful Andy Dalton haircut.
The Raiders may have just traded the best edge rusher in the NFL, but the Rams have avoided that problem by not employing any edge rushers at all. That is good news for the Raiders’ tackles, who are 1) a rookie and 2) a veteran who has forgotten how to turn right. Jon Gruden will have to call for a pit stop so Donald Penn will stop turning left.
The Rams are one of the most talented teams in the NFL, with a star-studded roster and a fantastic, cost controlled quarterback. Soon they’ll have a brand new stadium where all 237 Rams fans can watch them from the height of luxury. It will be in Inglewood, which is notoriously up to no good, and I am certain it will go up in flames the first time the Rams go 4-12, which will likely be as soon as they have to pay Jared Goff his six-year, $250 million contract in 2021. Because if they don’t, the fucking Bears will.
Rams win, 45-29.”