Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Broncos

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor

Greetings, Raider Nation! You wanted the best, you got the best! It is I, the man who brings you joy and elation and never goes on vacation, the man who changes the questions when you think you have all the answers, the best in the world at what I do, and the World’s Freshest Man, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful.

I come to you today fresh, as always, off a long and tumultuous offseason that saw upheaval in the Raiders organization the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the death of Al Davis himself. Almost nothing is the same, and that’s good, because it all sucked anyway. Here’s to new beginnings.

One of the things that won’t change, as long as I can help it, is your weekly dose of the Great Beyond giving his Foretellings from beyond the veil every week during the season. And so, in keeping with tradition, I have consulted with the Great Old One and sought his wisdom concerning the Raiders vs. Broncos game on Monday night. Without further ado, I present the words of the Beyond:

“You’re back! It’s been a long time. I did watch the AAF, but you never bothered to ask me about that. The Birmingham Iron would have won it all behind Trent Richardson. Forge on.

So who do you got this week? The Broncos? You know, we’ve been doing this for nine solid years now, and you ask me about the Broncos twice every year. How much more can I say about them? Well, who’s their quarterback now?

Wait, really? AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh, man, John Elway strikes again. You know, the other executives in this league would just love to have the kind of success Elway has had as a player and a general manager. They simply couldn’t dream of having 22 shitty seasons and three good ones. I would love to have his life, leaving a trail of groped and harassed cocktail waitresses in my wake who don’t dare to complain about me to their management because my signed jersey is on the wall of the craptastic sports bar they work in, drinking myself into a stupor every weeknight like I’m Norm from Cheers, knowing I will always have a job because the dead owner thought of me as his son even though he already had a son, but he didn’t play quarterback at Stanford.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

This is the family of the great Pat Bowlen, trying to bilk the last little bit of lifeforce they can from him. These are the type of people who wear sunglasses and a fur coat indoors and hire someone to speak to their immigrant maid for them so they don’t have to. John Elway at least gave Bowlen two Super Bowl wins, his real kids only gave him calls from prison at 2 AM after being pulled over for DWI.

I saw Elway in a suite at one of the Broncos’ preseason games, and he isn’t looking too good these days. He’s so pale, he looks like Jim Gaffigan after a trip through a haunted house. He looks like if Shooter McGavin had bowling pins for teeth. Every time he opens his mouth I remember to power wash my deck.

Photo by Jim Spellman/Getty Images

But you gotta feel for Elway right now. His quarterback of the future just went down and he doesn’t know what to do.

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Oh, did you think I meant Drew Lock? Hell no, Lock sucked in college and he sucks now, and his hurt finger was the only thing keeping him from being even more exposed than he already was. The Broncos’ plan has always been to get a quarterback the Colts drafted, lose a Super Bowl, and then win one. Andrew Luck would surely have lost the 2024 Super Bowl and then won it in 2025.

What’s funny is, the Broncos have yet to win the Super Bowl because of their former Colts quarterback. Their reasons for winning their three Super Bowls were Terrell Davis, Terrell Davis again, and Von Miller. The Broncos have won exactly one playoff game ever with someone they drafted:

I can’t decide whether Tim Tebow being the one drafted Bronco to win a playoff game is more embarrassing to the Broncos or Steelers, but this is a Raiders site, so I’ll say they are both a disgrace to their ancestors.

I’ll get to the Broncos’ current quarterback in a moment, but first I want to point out that the Broncos just this week released “Hollywood” Kevin Hogan in favor of Brandon Allen. That’s too bad, because Hogan went to Stanford, and the Broncos PA could have played Voodoo Chile every time he came on the field, and that would have been cool as hell.

If the Broncos had Hogan and Tom “Macho Man” Savage, they’d be the new world order of professional football, brother. Instead they have Brandon Allen, who most recently played for Los Angeles and looked like a little kid wandered onto the field in a Rams uniform and started playing. A lot like this:

Their current quarterback is, in fact, “Whacko” Joe Flacco, who is best known for winning a Super Bowl against Colin Kaepernick in the dark. Flacco has worked hard to come back from the injury that sidelined him last season. Here’s some footage of him in the Broncos’ weight room:

But you gotta hand it to the Broncos fans, they show up whether the team is good or bad, and it’s usually bad. They spend their hard-earned cash that they could be spending on crystal meth or a new marijuana dispensary business license application, and their time that could be spent bitching about Californians moving into their neighborhoods and driving up the cost of rent or spent banging their cousins in the back of a Jeep Cherokee or spent driving to the newest marijuana dispensary and spending their Sundays higher than giraffe pussy, and dammit, they go to the game to watch the Broncos lose.

And what do the Broncos get for losing? Well, this year they got a pretty high draft pick, which they promptly traded to the Steelers who used it to draft their middle linebacker of the future, Devin Bush, who will give us all indigestion for the next decade. With any luck, he’ll have better health than the last Steelers linebacker of the future.

(That was a joke, but this is not: Ryan Shazier is a courageous man and he’s walking again after being paralyzed, so God bless him)

The last time the Raiders beat the Broncos, which was the last time the Raiders won a regular season game, Denver still employed Vance Joseph, who is now dutifully making the Cardinals’ defense even worse than last year’s tire fire of a unit. Hell, even the Raiders beat them! This year, though, Denver has Vic Fangio as their head coach.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Fangio looks like he is the type of guy who was driven insane by serving on a submarine for 15 years, and when he got a new DVR he asked his exasperated grandson to program his new VCR so he could watch Mollie B’s Polka Party every Sunday night on RFD-TV.

(Confession: I also love that show)

Fangio is exactly the sort of no-bullshit disciplinarian the Broncos need after the clown show that was the Vance Joseph years, but he’s a defensive coach- one of the best, yes, but defense was never Denver’s problem. They have a top-ten defense every year and an offense that a drunken junior high assistant coach could draw up on a paper napkin while getting a lap dance. But instead of going out and getting a Lincoln Riley or a Matt LaFleur, they got Wade Phillips 2: The Secret of the Ooze. This was Elway’s biggest gaffe since drafting Paxton Lynch, a guy who was just cut by the Seahawks, who are one Russell Wilson injury away from literally starting the 12th Man at quarterback.

This game is not going to end well for the Broncos. Oakland simply has too much talent on offense and Derek Carr’s quick release and plethora of weapons will negate the pass rush well enough. Denver doesn’t have anything on offense that will spook Paul Guenther’s unit. Oakland's receivers will run wild in front of the Raider faithful and Fangio will be on a plane home before the polka show is over.

Raiders 31, Broncos 16.”